We've talked about self love in regards to body acceptance, maintenance and improvement. We've also talked about it in regards to judging others and our own self worth/esteem.
But what we haven't talked about is one of the largest aspects - how it effects our romantic and physical relationships. Being romantically or physically involved with someone is generally seen as the most vulnerable and exposed you will be in your life. It is not easy to be open, honest and exposed to another person - especially if you do not feel confident enough in yourself to do so.
It is my personal belief that you cannot have a good relationship without good sex. How you connect physically is incredibly indicative of how you connect emotionally. We guard our emotions the same way we guard our physical imperfections - and if we can expose both to our partner, we can connect on a deeper level.
Part of this requires communication and work as a couple, but it requires equal parts of honesty and work within yourself.
1. No Sex > Lazy Sex
Sometimes you're tired. Sometimes you have to work early. Sometimes you had a hard day at the gym. Maybe your partner is more into it in the moment than you are. But lazy sex is worse than no sex. It leaves one partner feeling "used" and one partner feeling "unwanted". If you're really not up for it - just say no. But don't do it to make someone else happy - because it definitely won't.
2. Talk About It
It baffles me the amount of couples that be together, live together, but can't talk about sex together. They can't discuss their wants, needs and desires or even reflect on shared experiences. Sometimes talking about it is actually more awkward than doing it - but it is just as important. If you can't discuss being intimate, can you truly be intimate?
3. Leave the Past in the Past
Don't keep score. Don't dwell on past partners (especially if they're still in your life). Only look forward, because that's where you're headed.
4. If You're Going to Forgive Someone, Actually Do It.
This stems from #3 and is important if trust issues have come up. If you made a decision to forgive your partner for past deceptions, or indiscretions - that is your business. But actually do it. Don't hold it over their head for the duration of your relationship and don't hold onto it in your heart - it will ultimately lead to your demise. But along the way, it will make your relationship together almost impossible. If you know you cannot move past whatever happened, don't lie to yourself and your partner. It helps no one.
5. Never Shame Them
There will be things your partner finds to be a turn on that you won't. And vice versa. Sometimes these things will be common preferences and other times they may be intricate desires and kinks. Some may be things your partner wants to explore in reality and others may be exclusive to fantasy. Regardless of your feelings towards them, never shame your partner for their desires - especially if they choose to openly share them with you. Telling someone about an inner most desire is not an easy task and requires an incredible amount of trust. Even if they tell you something you are not pleased to learn or are not interested in exploring, do not meet them with distain. Meet them with understanding and have an open discussion about your individual views. Maybe you can come to a compromise, maybe it's something new you can explore together. Or maybe it's a definitive no - at least you will know where each other honestly stands and no one will be hurt or embarrassed.
6. Don't Dwell On The Details
This is an easy habit to get into when you're first exploring sexuality.
"Oh my legs aren't shaved" "I have the entire Saved by the Bell series on my book shelf" "My underwear and bra don't match"
Maybe the examples are a bit extreme, but so often people get hung up on the tiny superficial details and forget what sex is supposed to be about. I'm not suggesting you skip showering for a week and then hop into bed with someone, but I am saying that your potential partner is really not going to care about a bit of stubble (and if they do, they're probably not worth sleeping with).
7. Look Good = Feel Good
This is not an entirely superficial comment - but put some effort into your body. This goes beyond doing your hair or shaving - but is more about exercising and eating right. If you feel confident in your physical appearance, you will feel more confident in bed. Which will always lead to a better connection between you and your partner. Fewer mental reservations allow your guard to come down. Beyond that, being fit and healthy will lead to an increased sex drive and improved stamina.
8. Stop Judging
Stop judging people for having too much sex. Stop judging people for not having enough sex. Stop judging people for having casual sex. Stop judging people for having only one partner their whole lives. If you're not having sex with them...what does it matter? All of these decisions are personal ones, and should remain as such. The minute you stop judging someone else's attitude and actions towards sex, you will stop judging your own as harshly. Most importantly - don't judge yourself or your partner. Regardless of history or desires, understand that everyone is different.
9. Seek Your Equal
As an addendum to #8, placing sexual compatibility as an important trait on your list for potential partners should not be taboo. As stated above, everyone is different; emotionally and sexually. So seek someone that is not only compatible to you on an emotional level, but physically as well. Everyone has desires and goals in their life - do you and your partner see eye to eye on them? Or will someone be left unfulfilled. This is more applicable to those seeking long term commitments. Relationships are an investment. You might commit to someone who had different design tastes from your own, but you wouldn't commit to someone who didn't want kids if you knew for certain you did. That's a huge compromise. You might commit to someone who preferred sex with the lights off, but not with a strong affinity for BDSM when you have absolutely zero interest. Suppressing individuals desires will only weaken your relationship as it calls for a certain level of dishonesty. If you do not see eye to eye, you will not be true to yourself in hopes of appeasing your partner.
10. Treat It As A Priority
Some people treat exercise and healthy eating like an option. But all BodyRockers know that if you want to be healthy and fit, exercise and clean eating need to be a priority. You only get one body, treat it right. If you want the same fulfillment and longevity out of your relationship, you need to make sex a priority too. That will mean different things to different couples, but you must treat each other and your connection as a priority. It can suffer so easily when you're stressed by outside factors like kids and work. But it can make those outside stressors seem much more manageable when your bond is strong and you work together.
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