When going through a break up, it is easy to get stuck inside your own head, wondering what you did wrong. Break ups are not easy and they often leave you with a bunch of questions to which you will likely never actually get answers. There are lots of myths and tales about break ups and the mourning process that follows. The folks at Elite Daily tapped marriage and family therapist and relationship coach, Emmalee Bierly, to find out the truth.
1. The Myth: You have to get under someone to get over someone.Rebound sex, an age old idea. I've been known to utter this advice, mostly in jest, but still with a little bit of hope that it might work. According to Bierly, this is a bogus plan:
Whatever horny individual came up with this idea was a genius but not completely accurate. Sure, maybe that helps for a little bit — it distracts you, makes you feel good, gives you comfort — but for the most part, it doesn’t really allow you to grieve the relationship.You may not want to, but allowing yourself to feel is the only way you can allow yourself to heal.
2. The Myth: If you did the breaking up, you should get over it quicker.Just because you knew your relationship is going no where and had the wherewithal to end it, doesn't mean that it hasn't left you feeling shattered. Bierly points out: You can miss someone AND know it’s better in the long run.
3. The Myth: “You’re too good for me.”This sort of explanation as to why things are ending is more likely a way for the person ending the relationship to hide their own insecurities. Bierly says that saying this is like saying:
‘I have insanely low self-esteem and am going to sabotage every relationship I’m in,’ or ‘I am kind of a wimp, and this excuse for ending it makes me feel better than actually giving you an honest answer.’Ending a relationship this way is pretty weak, find your comfort there.
4. The Myth: You have one month to get over every six months you were together.There is no real timeline for mourning your break up and don't let anyone ever try to tell you otherwise. “We’re all different people and in different relationships, so when it comes to dealing with people and emotions, there is no definite,” says Bierly. She says that break ups are very complicated and not as cut and dry as might like it to be. She compares the process to an ocean:
The tide can go out, and we feel relieved and happy and start to flirt with the cute guy next door, but then it can come in like a tidal wave and flip us on our ass, and we feel like we’re drowning all over again.Once those waves stop, you know you are moving on.
5. The Myth: “I’m just not boyfriend material,” or “I’m not ready for a girlfriend.”Anyone who says this is telling the truth. “Anyone who wants to be with you will make it work,” Bierly notes. Don't waste your time.
6. The Myth: Breaking up is exactly like getting over a drug addiction.We often hear that being in a relationship is like being drunk or on drugs but Bierly says this is only true with unhealthy, codependent relationships. If your relationship makes you feel like you are going through withdrawals, it probably wasn't a healthy relationship to start with.
7. The Myth: Once a cheater, always a cheater.It is easy to run away when your partner admits to having been unfaithful in past relationships. But Brierly assures us that people can change.
They want to change. They are motivated, and they want to make their relationship work. A guy or girl can change and stop [his or her] behavior, but [he or she] generally needs a reason too.If this person was unfaithful in your relationship, it has nothing to do with you or the type of relationship you are in. She says:
It has everything to do with them, maybe they think the relationship is tanking anyway, and they are looking for a backup. Maybe they are scared by how serious the relationship is. Maybe they have insanely low self-worth and need validation they weren’t getting through you.Don't blame yourself.
8. The Myth: You can change your partner.You cannot change a person. Entering a relationship with the expectation that you can turn your partner into the person you want him/her to be is just setting yourself up for disappointment and failure. All you can do is “love them, appreciate them, encourage them, stand by them and empower them to make changes” that are in their best interest. Getting a partner to change a self destructive behaviour is fine but trying to change someone's character is impossible.
9. The Myth: If you don’t care about the relationship, you should just break up by text or pull a “fade away.”No matter how disconnected and past it you have become, every relationship deserves to be ended with dignity and respect. Bierly says:
Texting or doing it via someone else is pretty screwed up and disrespectful to someone who did give you time and attention and deserves more than the fade away or you being so rude and avoidant that you eventually make [him or her] dump you.Don't be a jerk. No one deserves that level of indifference when it comes to ending it.