Ah, boobs. Women that don't have them want them, even pay for them and our naturally well endowed ladies look at those itty-bitty committee members like they're insane. I mean, sure: boobs are awesome for cleavage, bathing suits and overall aesthetic appeal - but actually having big ta ta's? That's a different story.
Here are some reasons why having big boobies is just not as glamorous as it’s cracked up to be:
1. You were self-conscious when you were younger
You’ve had an adult’s body way before you were an adult (and that’s just weird and uncomfortable). In fact, your male classmates were talking about your boobs before you realized you even had them.
2. You get an uncomfortable amount of unwanted attention
Being a big-chested female comes with the added pleasure of receiving tons of attention that you seriously
do not want. Crude comments like "nice tits" at the bar are a choice pick up line. We dream of a day when we can wear a v-neck without it bordering on pornographic.
3. "Why couldn't I have a butt instead?"
Surely if my bass was a little more all about it all of my problems could be fixed! Can I inject my boob fat in my butt?!
4. I may as well be wearing a weight vest.
These suckers are really f*cking heavy. Have you tried doing a HIIT workout? Seriously. It's like throwing around 20lb weights at face level.
5. Back pain is a serious issue
Pounds of fat and tissue opposite your back can cause some real pain, pressure and overall discomfort. Chiropractors, stretches and serious contemplation of a boob reduction have all been a part of your lifestyle.
6. Working out can be a special kind of torture
Even with the added security of two bras (yes, two), big boobs still get in the way of a workout. Not to mention running poses a threat to the wellbeing of your face.
7. So many styles look horrible on you
When you have big boobs, so many clothing options are not even an option for you. So go ahead and buy that tube top that you know won’t flatter your chest, that backless shirt that you know you can’t wear a bra with (and you obviously must
wear a bra at all times) and that smock dress that makes you appear to be about seven months pregnant. You most definitely will never wear them but at least they're beautiful closet decorations.
8. You make any outfit look slutty
It looks like you're trying exceptionally hard when in actual fact, zero f*cks given. It's a tank top - we know it looks like we're wearing 2 of our best pushup bras (HA! what are those anyway?)
9. You stretch out clothes like it is your job
No more graphic tees for you - not since "The Beatles" became "Ttthhheeee Beeeaaatttlllleeessss"
10. You laugh in the face of clothing that is “one size fits all”
Perhaps if the entire torso wasn't the ratio of just your bust line.
11. Bras basically require a second mortgage
Whether they're breaking all of the time or stretching out like your Beatles shirt - you need'em and they aren't cheap. If you find a killer bra for under $60 that actually locks your ladies in place, you've basically won the boobie lottery.
12. Bikinis are your worst nightmare
After stealthily switching a bikini set so that top is XL (tie back - because this is your only option) and the bottom is a S, you're halfway to feeling super self conscious once you hit the beach! You know flimsy piece of string is no match for your boobs and the waves. At least you'll never drown.
13. Being on top can be the worst
Of course, big boobs can make sex more fun for a guy, but once those ta ta's are free, you becomes far less athletic than you were with the bra on. It’s hard to feel hot when you feel like you’re running a 10k without both
of your sports bras.
14. Foreplay mostly revolves around your boobs
Boobs, boobs, boobs, boys love boobs. In fact, they're generally more excited to be between your boobs half the time than between your legs.
15. Your boobs harvest heat
Having big boobs is like having two fiery balls of warmth attached to your chest. Great during winter - awful, sweltering, dripping balls of underboob sweat during the summer.
16. Children gravitate toward them
Much like men, children love boobies and are always trying to cop a feel. Stay away from your 2-year old nephew. He will expose you to your family.
17. You live in constant fear of what old age will turn your boobs into
Gravity is not your friend. Flash forward to a slew of old ladies pushing their breasts around in shopping carts. The horror.