November 26, 2013
22 Signs You've Been Partying Too Much
1. You find cash in your pockets that you forgot you put there four days ago when you last wore those jeans. You feel excited when this happens, like it's money you just earned instead of money you almost lost. 2. You have "befriended" door people so that you can cut the line at 'da club.' If you are a man, this means you have determined just how much cash you have to slip your door comrade in order to cut the line. If you are a woman, this means you rush up to the velvet rope as soon as you arrive with your girlfriends and flutter your hands in a waving-like fashion while shouting "Derek! Derek! Hey babe! Missed you!" all fake-like. Air kissing happens. 3. You are still drunk and outside when the fitness people start jogging in the morning. And this will either make you giggle wildly as you and your friend bond over how you're the biggest badasses of all time (LiLo circa 2009 got nothin' on us! etc.), or — if you are in the cursed state of being drunk and alone — give you a depressing case of gym FOMO. 4. You get fresh bagels on the weekends only because the place opens as you are returning to your crib. You do not toast the bagels. You eat them dry on the couch, dipped in hummus. In front of an infomercial. 5. Eighty percent of your cheese and solid carbohydrate consumption occurs between the hours of 2 and 4 a.m. It's either pizza or a burrito, no kale in between. 6. You have a "going out coat." 7. Your clothes come in only two tightnesses: super freakum dress tight or super "I'm so hungover and bloated-feeling don't make me get dressssssed" loose. 8. You don't wear eye makeup during daylight hours on the weekends because you have come to like the look of last night's eyeshadow smudged haphazardly around the general vicinity of your eye socket. You complement your carefully considered "I don't care" makeup with a healthy spritz of dry shampoo so you can avoid bothering with the shower before brunch. 9. You have to double check your purse pockets for illicit substances before you get on a plane. YOLO. 10. Halloween is a major holiday for you. 11. You wish your going out purse could fit a plastic water bottle. 12. Roughly 80 percent of your conversations are about what happened last night.Roughly 50 percent of those conversations are about how much you drank. The other roughly 50 percent are about the texts you wish you hadn't sent. 13. You have told people at brunch that the best way to cure a hangover is by drinking more. You order a margarita with your eggs Norwegian to show them how it's done. 14. You have fist pumped within the last seven days. Even if it was just "ironic." 15. You have those cheap neon sunglasses they give away at bars scattered around your apartment. Because you never know if you should throw them out or save them for when drunk people next come over. 16. You refuse to go out unless you know you will have a table to sit or stand at that will prevent you from bumping into the surrounding riff raff. You didn't get all dressed up to be treated like a second class nightclub table-less loser, no you did not. 17. You have told men you meet out your occupation is "astronaut" when they ask what you do for a living. Because you have answered this question enough times to know they do not really care or plan to listen to what you say and are just waiting for the DJ to drop the beat so they can proceed to fist pump wildly while humping you drunkenly in some form of alleged dancing. 18. You have recently witnessed a grown man wearing a dress shirt pouring vodka straight from a Grey Goose bottle down the throat of another grown man wearing a dress shirt. Or you are a grown man and this describes your usual state of being circa 1 a.m. every Friday night. (Again: YOLO.) 19. Because you are loathe to hide your sexy party outfit, you have a strategy for going out in the winter without a coat. You casually refer to it in conversation as your "wine blanket." 20. You have sworn off a liquor you drank on a night when you actually really did get too drunk. You regularly remind people that you "just aren't a gin person" or "feel weird on tequila." 21. There is a difference to you between going out and going out out. 22. Looking at the photos on your cell phone in the morning is always an adventure.You will laugh off the worst ones by claiming they are ironic Instagrams.