Break ups are the worst and sometimes they leave us with doubts. Even years down the road, you can find yourself going about your day when you realize you've drifted into thoughts of what might have been. If you are considering calling this person to reignite your fizzled flame, take a moment and think. Self magazine
went straight to the experts to find out why we think these things and don't worry, none of them are because you've missed the boat on your one an only.
You feel lonely.
Boston based dating coach, Neely Steinberg, says loneliness is the most common reason we return to our exes. “But it’s not a good reason, especially if it’s the only reason,” she says. Yes, your ex was important to you but it is even more important for you to take a good look at when
you are thinking of him/her. If it is when you are feeling alone, you are best not to reach out. “Shouldn’t you be wishing that he was next to you when you’re happy and doing something really fun, so that he could share in those moments with you?” says Steinberg. “Remind yourself of how lonely you actually felt in
that relationship... There’s nothing lonelier than being in the wrong relationship.”
You feel bored.
If you don't have much action in your current situation, it is easy to find yourself thinking about a time when you were having more fun but you're only thinking this as a way to fill space. Steinberg says, “the problem is, this just takes away your time and energy from focusing on either yourself or from actively getting back out there in the dating world and giving other men a chance."
You're afraid he's the "best you'll ever find."
After a few bad dates, it is easy to get yourself stuck in this cycle. “Sometimes, a woman convinces herself he’s the best she’ll get,” Steinberg says. “Maybe her clock is ticking, which adds pressure. Maybe she’s afraid to go back out there and face rejection from other men, or have to start fresh in the dating world. After all, there are a lot of unknowables about dating and that can be daunting.”
Steinberg suggests making two lists. One for the positives of your last relationship, another for the negatives. Once you compare the two lists, you'll remember why you can't go back.
You hate the idea of sunk costs.
You might view your relationship as a business: “You may look at this relationship in terms of all the time, energy, heart, tears and conversations you’ve put into it, and think, ‘How can I just let this go when I’ve given so much to it?’” Steinberg says. But flip that around. Look at your relationship and energy invested as an investment in yourself and what is right for you. “If you didn’t have those experiences, how would you know?” asks Steinberg. “You can’t get the money back in the business analogy, and you can’t get the time back in the relationship. All you can do is learn the lessons, move forward about what you want and need in a relationship, and apply those learnings when meeting new people.”
None of us want to be uncomfortable. That includes feeling lonely or heartbroken. When these feelings crop up, it is easy for our mind to take the path of least resistance and that means returning to what we know. But just take a moment, breathe and examine why you are thinking of your ex. If you can find the reason above, remember, it hurts now but you've likely dodged a massive bullet. Get back out there and find the one you're meant to have!