It seems these days that everyone's biggest fear is getting fat.
Well, here are 50 ways to avoid THAT problem!
- Stop eating carbs.
- Stop eating proteins.
- Stop eating sugar.
- Actually, just stop eating period because eating could possibly lead to the risk of weight gain.
- Don't get pregnant. Ever.
- Get a 6 pack airbrushed on.
- Or just place your belly against a wire fence like this. It works every time.
- As you age, your metabolism slows so stop growing old.
- Don't wear white clothing. You run the risk of looking like a marshmellow if you do.
- They say black is slimming, get a spray tan dark enough to appear as a shadow. Shadows are very slimming indeed.
- They say menopause causes weight gain so never go through menopause.
- Make sure you eat enough.
- But not too much.
- Don't ever get depressed. Depression causes weight gain. So be happy all of the time!
- Make sure your thyroid works. Hypothyroidism leads to weight gain.
- Wear bigger clothes.
- Try the cabbage soup diet.
- Or the baby food diet.
- Hormones cause weight fluctuations. Do not have hormones!
- Wear a corset from birth on and never take it off, but only to shower.
- Or just stop growing. Dwarfs are cute.
- Genetics causes weight gain so avoid being born by parents with a family history of obesity.
- Go to the gym often.
- But don't go too much. If you get too muscular, you might run the risk of looking bulky which could make you appear bigger.
- Never sit. Sitting causes weight gain! So stand up at all times.
- Don't own a couch. Couches cause obesity.
- Eating while standing will burn lots of calories!
- Only hang out with fat people. By doing this, you will appear skinnier than the rest so don't have friends who are skinnier than you.
- Photoshop all of your selfies. Even your Instagrams.
- Just avoid posting photos from the chest down or learn how to master the art of cropping like this:
- Actually, just do not post any photos at all. Your absence will make your appear skinny.
- Real women have curves, so don't be a real woman.
- Drink lots of water. Water tricks your brain into thinking its full. Then, who needs food, right?
A recent study shows that sleeping with the light on causes obesity. Destroy all the light bulbs in your house at once. As a bonus, you will even save money on your next electric bill.
- Get surgery. Surgery cures everything. Duh.
- Diet pills? Hello? It's like magic in a tiny little pill.
- Don't take medications. Some drugs have a side effect of gain weight.
- Instead, hire a Shaman or Indian Medicine Man to cure your ailments.
- Don't celebrate holidays. Studies show that we tend to overeat during a special occasion.
- Sleep more. Lack of sleep increases stress which increases risk weight gain.
- But don't sleep too much. You risk becoming too inactive, which leads to weight gain.
- And never get stressed out. Stay calm.
- But not too calm. If you are too calm, you are not burning enough calories to stay skinny.
- Weed can help you decrease your stress.
- But not too much weed because then you will get hungry and we all know what happens if you get hungry.
- Don't get hungry. Ever.
- Avoid working at food joints. Being around food just won't work.
- With that being said, don't own a refrigerator.
- Never get married. Marriage causes weight gain they say. Or just blame your spouse.
- Don't go to college. By doing this, you will never have to worry about the "Freshman 15."
Hope you all have enjoyed the sarcasm and asshole-ish tones within these tips. Please consult with your doctor before attempting any of these. *For those without a sense of humor, I must point out that this article is intended for entertainment purposes only. Do not try these at home*
Truth is, sh*t happens and weight can come and go. What's important is being happy, healthy, active and fit. Not the number on the scale.
Instead, you CAN try this 5 Minute At Home Tabata workout