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6 Embarrassing Things Men Don't Tell You About Their Boners

April 16, 2015 3 min read

Well ladies, it seems much ink has been spilled over the great mystery of our nether regions with far less attention being paid to the parts of our gentlemen friends. Here is a list of 6 things you've always wanted to know (or maybe more than you wanted to know) about hard-ons. Look no further, we have your answers!

1. They are sort of uncontrollable

Maybe male porn stars are able to do it but for most men, they can pop up at any time for any reason. And really, it could be any reason. Thinking about the girl you like, vibrating phone in pocket, the colour blue, wednesday morning, anything. As men get older, however, they figure out how to harness them a little. They, to quote Homer Simpson, "Think unsexy thoughts." Interestingly enough, it seems that making a fist or pumping the bicep for 3o seconds straight will also make it go away. How wonderful and mysterious! Next time you see a guy randomly pumping his bicep, you'll know why.

2. They can be unreliable

Not every man has an issue with erections but the same way an erection can just happen, it can also vanish just as fast. One of the big reasons of unreliability is alcohol. Not to paint every dude with the same brush but generally it appears that beer is okay but whiskey or tequila, forget about it. And of course, over consumption is never the friend of an erection.

3. They are all different

Lady bits are like snowflakes, right? Well, so are penises and the erections they bring. Each one is different. The size and quality of an erection depends on a whole bunch of factors. Think of them as balloons. Balloons can be inflated to different sizes, so can the penis. If he tells you he's particularly hard, take his word for it. Even if it looks exactly the same to you, he knows there's a difference and you should probably take it as a compliment.

4. They are inconvenient

Erections like to pick poor moments to appear. Embarrassingly poor moments. Men have come up with a few techniques to conceal them. There is the up-tuck which works well in elastic waist pants while the down the pant leg tuck works great while sitting but makes things awkward looking while standing. Think about what this means, you've for sure interacted with a guy trying to hide a hard on. Likely more often than you can imagine.

5. They can hurt

Stubbing your toe hurts because blood rushes to the area, causing inflammation. The same logic works with hard ons. Erections happen because blood has rushed to the penis, the longer that blood is there, the greater the chance of pain. Ads for Viagra and Cialis warn against erections lasting longer than 4 hours but according to most guys, a half hour is long enough to begin feeling discomfort.

6. Men are terrified of losing them

Men are attached to their erections. Have you ever watched a sporting event and noticed the number of ads for Viagra or Cialis? At least one an hour. The older the demographic audience for a program, the more ads you'll see. No one wants to be caught unable to perform. We ladies are pretty lucky, I guess. We lose lubrication levels as we age but there are easy, inexpensive, side effect free ways to get around that, we are always able to perform. It must be terrifying. I certainly feel a greater sense of empathy the men behind the erections. Clearly they are not easy things to deal with. Ladies, do any of these secrets surprise you? Fellas, anything you'd care to add?

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