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The 8 Types of Boners Guys Get

May 04, 2015 2 min read

A little something unknown about erections: They are not all created equal. We've got the skinny on what's going on down there and how it feels for him. Read on to become an expert.

Morning Wood

Not every erection is linked to sexual arousal and morning wood is a prime example. These erections are unconscious, uncontrollable and usually pretty impressive. They also make aiming his morning pee a little tough. How it feels for him: Like a mighty redwood rising above the tree line.

Night Ranger

Not unlike the Morning Wood, the Night Ranger arrives about 3 or 4 a.m. It could be due to a sexy dream, or any dream, really. If he sleeps on his stomach, this one could be strong enough to prop him up like a tent! How it feels for him: Like rolling over on the television remote in the middle of the night.

The Uninvited Guest

This is that erection that comes at a really bad time, like in the middle of a meeting or giving a speech. When he's talking to a hot girl at the gym. Mortifying, really. How it feels for him: like a snake crawled up his pant leg and got stuck 75% of the way up.

Stand And Deliver

This is the real deal, sex erection. He's waited all night for this moment, nothing he can do now but give it his best and hope everyone is happy in the end. How it feels for him: Like when your dog is straining against the leash after seeing a female dog across the street.

Oral Presentation

The quality of his erection changes depending on the sex he is about to have. This particular erection knows that it is going to be in sight so it rises to the occasion, looking nothing shy of its best. How it feels for him: Like watching a bouncy castle inflate with just as much anticipation.

Solo Artist

The porn erection. This one is an average erection, one he summons by himself when no one is around to see or judge. It does it's job just enough to give him the relief he's seeking. How it feels for him: Like when your arm falls asleep and you try to jiggle it around to get the feeling back.

Gym Class Hero

Gym shorts are loose and allow for easy, unrestricted movement. Of everything. This easy unrestricted movement includes blood, which often pools in his man parts. This can happen on the treadmill, weight rack, basketball court, pretty much during any exercise. How it feels for him: Like he's wearing an improvised ghost costume at a Halloween party.

Whiskey D*ck

Alcohol, the king of boner killers. Some men claim whiskey isn't a problem but that red wine, or tequila, or some other libation is the one responsible for making them flaccid. Either way, a limp penis is not going to be useful when it comes to that post bar hook up. How it feels for him: Like when you've had 7 drinks and can't feel your face. Only the feeling is concentrated in the pants. If we've missed any let us know in the comments!  

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