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9 Ways To Pretend To Be Good In Bed - LOLS

January 24, 2014 2 min read

Let’s be honest: it’s pretty difficult to be bad at sex. It is sex after all—our bodies were built to like it at the most basic level. But, if you’re concerned with being “good at sex” (whatever that means) here’s how to fake it. From what we’ve gathered from adult films and titles of men’s lifestyle articles, if you do these things, you’ll look kinky/adventurous/etc. So here’s a somewhat facetious guide on how to pretend to be good in bed. Seriously, don’t take this too seriously. Screen Shot 2015-01-23 at 10.59.28 AM USE ICE We’re not exactly sure where, just use it. The main photo of any sexy article is usually a mouth with an ice cube in it so just bring the whole ice tray in the bedroom and figure it out. Screen Shot 2015-01-23 at 11.01.10 AM TAKE OFF CLOTHES WITH YOUR TEETH Even if it takes super, super long to get undressed. Even if he is wearing a button up shirt with 28 buttons. Using your hands to take off your partner’s clothes is, like, for the elderly. Screen Shot 2015-01-23 at 11.03.05 AM COVER THEM IN WHIPPED CREAM It doesn’t matter if dairy gives you indigestion. Suck it up (literally) because it’s not “good” sex unless someone’s turned into a human ice cream sundae. Screen Shot 2015-01-23 at 11.04.41 AM GET INTO ACROBATICS If you don’t have a leg over your head, twisted around your torso, and sticking out the window, you’re just boring. Screen Shot 2015-01-23 at 11.05.55 AM MAKE SURE HE’S ALWAYS BEHIND YOU Eye contact during sex is for nuns. Screen Shot 2015-01-23 at 11.07.05 AM SWITCH POSITIONS AT LEAST 12 TIMES If anybody comes close to finishing, you’re doing something wrong. The goal isn’t orgasms, it’s endurance! (Er…um…yeah.) Screen Shot 2015-01-23 at 11.08.35 AM SWITCH ROOMS AT LEAST 12 TIMES If you haven’t felt the cold kitchen tile (plus some breadcrumbs and olive oil spills left out) on your back during sex, you haven’t lived. Soft, bouncy, safe beds are for the weak! Screen Shot 2015-01-23 at 11.09.56 AM BRING IN A THIRD PERSON And a fourth, and a fifth…two person sex is so cavemen. What are all those people doing in that bed you ask? It doesn’t matter. They could be reading bedtime stories, so long as they’re all there, you’re being adventurous. Screen Shot 2015-01-23 at 11.11.17 AM ALWAYS USE A VIBRATOR Your own parts just won’t do anymore. Make sure there is always a vibrator or toy involved. Even if it’s just vibrating across the floor, confusing your dog. Which one of these silly suggestions was your favourite? Let us know in the comments below! H/T: http://madamenoire.com Do you follow us on Instagram? [caption id="attachment_98752" align="alignnone" width="100"]snapchat snapcode @BodyRockTV[/caption]  

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