Let’s be honest: it’s pretty difficult to be bad at sex. It is sex after all—our bodies were built to like it at the most basic level. But, if you’re concerned with being “good at sex” (whatever that means) here’s how to fake it. From what we’ve gathered from adult films and titles of men’s lifestyle articles, if you do these things, you’ll look kinky/adventurous/etc. So here’s a somewhat facetious guide on how to pretend to be good in bed. Seriously, don’t take this too seriously.
We’re not exactly sure where, just use it. The main photo of any sexy article is usually a mouth with an ice cube in it so just bring the whole ice tray in the bedroom and figure it out.
TAKE OFF CLOTHES WITH YOUR TEETH
Even if it takes super, super long to get undressed. Even if he is wearing a button up shirt with 28 buttons. Using your hands to take off your partner’s clothes is, like, for the elderly.
COVER THEM IN WHIPPED CREAM
It doesn’t matter if dairy gives you indigestion. Suck it up (literally) because it’s not “good” sex unless someone’s turned into a human ice cream sundae.
GET INTO ACROBATICS
If you don’t have a leg over your head, twisted around your torso, and sticking out the window, you’re just boring.
MAKE SURE HE’S ALWAYS BEHIND YOU
Eye contact during sex is for nuns.
SWITCH POSITIONS AT LEAST 12 TIMES
If anybody comes close to finishing, you’re doing something wrong. The goal isn’t orgasms, it’s endurance! (Er…um…yeah.)
SWITCH ROOMS AT LEAST 12 TIMES
If you haven’t felt the cold kitchen tile (plus some breadcrumbs and olive oil spills left out) on your back during sex, you haven’t lived. Soft, bouncy, safe beds are for the weak!
BRING IN A THIRD PERSON
And a fourth, and a fifth…two person sex is so cavemen. What are all those people doing in that bed you ask? It doesn’t matter. They could be reading bedtime stories, so long as they’re all there, you’re being adventurous.
ALWAYS USE A VIBRATOR
Your own parts just won’t do anymore. Make sure there is always a vibrator or toy involved. Even if it’s just vibrating across the floor, confusing your dog.
Which one of these silly suggestions was your favourite? Let us know in the comments below!
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