How I Changed My Life: Victim or Victor

I’d like to tell you a story.  But first a little disclaimer: I’m not one of the trainers for The Daily Hiit or BodyRock.  Just a writer.  Just so you know. :) My journey began long ago.  I have three sisters and we grew up with a mother who was always very thin, because of her past struggles with anorexia she constantly made comments on how “fat” she was and how she hated her body.  My sisters and I would look at ourselves and then at each other and say to ourselves, ‘If she’s fat...we must be morbidly obese.’  We weren’t.  We were perfect the way we were. I went through life painfully aware of all of my shortcomings, not only with my body but what I believed myself to be good at.  I was athletic.  I ate well.  I worked at a gym.  On the outside I looked great but when I looked in the mirror I cringed and sometimes I cried.  When my husband and I became pregnant with our first I was not prepared for the daily struggle that was going to take place within me.  After our little one was born I was 15 pounds over my ‘optimal’ weight.  And let me tell you 15 pounds on my 5’6” frame looked like 50 to me and it felt almost as insurmountable.  My body depressed me.  I had stretch marks across my entire stomach which only added to irrational fears that my husband would no longer be attracted to me.  It was the darkest of places.  I felt so lost and I felt as though I would never be the person I wanted to be.  I wanted to be proud of my body and I wanted to love it.  I wanted to love myself and to know that I was working every day to change. IMG_2279 (155 lbs after my daughter was born) In early 2012 I found BodyRock through a pin on Pinterest.  I worked in my daily BodyRock videos whenever I could.  Early mornings, nap times, Daddy/daughter bonding time...I began to see change.  It was incredible.  As much as my body was beginning to change my head still needed work.  Believing in myself had never come easy and I struggled so much.  There would be weeks I would take off of working out and I would hate myself for it.  I knew I was slipping back but it was so hard to pull out of that cycle. IMG_1674 (June 2012: 145 lbs) Then something incredible happened...I started blogging.  When you finally realize you aren’t the only person out there who struggles with body image issues...it becomes possible for you to gradually start letting them go.  When I saw hundreds of you reading and liking my posts I was finally able to let go.  We cannot change what happened to us in the past but we can only decide whether we let it make us victims or victors. I am still on my journey.  I’m still working on getting my head in the right space...because honestly that’s where all your power comes from.  It’s still hard to believe I actually wrote this post...you have no idea how hard it is to post pictures of yourself especially those you’d rather not see again. Those stretch marks...my daughter calls them Mommy’s Stripes.  Apparently I became a tiger during pregnancy. IMG_3455

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