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You Don't Miss The Person, You Miss The Idea Of The Person

May 13, 2015 3 min read

We can't actually miss (or love) someone for who they actually are. Yup, I said it. We are only capable of loving someone for who we understand them to be. We come into our relationships with a certain set of judgments and values and as we get to know someone, we sometimes tweak the person to make them fit. But sometimes, our interpretations of a person are so far off that they cause us to fall out of love. The person you thought you loved and the person you actually 'love' are not the same person. We like to romanticize. In our memories, we focus on the way someone made us feel and not necessarily the way they treated us. We cloud our memories with our positive emotions. Sometimes people have warranted that type of emotion and you should miss them but remember, the opposite is just as likely to be true. Here are some examples of instances where you may be missing an idea, more than a person:

The person treated you like crap but you can only remember the good times.

I think that whenever we lose someone in our lives, for whatever reason, you should try to remember the good times. It is how you stay joyful and avoid regret. But if a relationship was unhealthy or mostly painful for you, you do need to keep those negative times in mind. Not at the fore, but you can't forget them either. If you find yourself pining for someone who wasn't kind to you, you need reacquaint yourself with reality. Talk to your friends about it, I'm sure they will be all to happy to remind you that you can do better. Don't make being used and hurt your relationship M.O.  You're better than that.

You only miss the person when you feel lonely.

If you only miss your ex when you are sad and lonely, odds are it wasn't true love. It is natural to want someone in your life when it gets difficult or you feel alone. It is normal to want things to be easier. But loneliness is a tricky beast. It causes you to focus more on your interpretation of someone and less on the reality of the relationship. The flip side, of course, is missing someone even when you are happy. If you look at your brightest moments and think "if only s/he was here to see this" than that person gave you a real reason to miss them.

You don’t miss the person you were with, you miss the person you were when you were with him or her.

Sometimes when you look back at the time you spent with someone, the fun, the feelings, the excitement, the memories created, you aren't really looking at that person. You are looking at yourself and who you were when you were in that relationship. We often believe ourselves to have been a better person in that past relationship. But is that the reality? We may not be able to know other people outside of our interpretations but we certainly can know ourselves. If you honestly believe you were better 'then,' you can be that person again. You were always that person. You are still that person. If the relationship taught you valuable lessons and you grew within it and that is what made you "better" in that past scenario, you still have that experience. All you are lacking is the other person. You don't need someone else to carry these lessons for you. Let this be your reminder that you've actually got a handle on all of this. Sometimes, we lose a love that deserved us. More often, we are wasting our emotions on people who aren't right for us at all. Try as best you can to see the difference. Use the above examples as your reality check. Moving on isn't easy, but it is key for your happiness and your finding the one that is out there for you. It is so easy to drive the bus into an emotional ditch, but stay the course and you'll have it sorted out in no time.

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