We've all heard tales of crazy exes of both sexes. Or maybe you're the crazy ex. It is easy to judge these people, to shame them. To write them off as whacko. But their behaviour may not be crazy at all. Sometimes this behaviour is a manifestation of something much deeper.
We all suffer wounds in life and until we work through them, we are doomed to keep repeating our behaviour. It is really hard to recognize our negative patterns if we are in denial about our previous hurts.
Many of us will choose a partner to fill a role in our storytelling drama. This person plays this role and allows us to continue to relive what hurt us in the first place. It may not be comfortable but at least it is familiar. I choose men who treat me like an object because it falls in line with the way I was harmed in my younger years. I always hope it will be different, that I will be treated like a person this time and that will change everything. It will heal me. It will make that pain in my past just go away. It will give me back that night where my power was taken from me. But deep inside, I know it isn't true. And if you look closely at your own pain, you know isn't true, too.
Sometimes we surround ourselves with drama so we don't have to focus on healing our past. If we were in a healthy relationship, we couldn't hide any longer. It has taken me a long time to see this as true. But I'm not perfect. When I get dramatic (and it happens more often than I care to admit) or I start in with the "no one will ever love me" self loathing cycle of ridiculousness, my best friend will look me in the eye and say "Erin, no one is coming to rescue you." And I realize, It has to start with me. No one can erase history. And it sounds cliché, but no one can love me until I love me. She's right. I need to be my own hero.
Maybe my exes are all jerks but that doesn't make them responsible for my life. Maybe they are hurt too. Sure, there are pathologies out there that make people incapable of love but most of us aren't suffering in that way. Most of us are just run of the mill, wounded folks who are sick and tired of hurting but unsure of how to make it all stop. We throw our pain at other people.
Confronting our own darkness is not easy. But if we ever hope to be happy and fulfilled, it is vital. Meditate, write. Find a good and kind therapist if necessary. No one likes to admit that they have been acting like a nut. No one wants to admit that we have been hurting people just as much as we have been hurt. But the only way out is through. Maybe you aren't ready, maybe you don't see it yet, but you will.
You are worth the effort. As my friend says, no one is coming. You need to be the one that creates the life you want. Healing won't happen overnight, it never does, but each step you take is a step toward wellness. Do it for you. Even if you can't even imagine a happy life or a great relationship, it is possible. Have faith in yourself. It has to start with you. I know you can do it.
h/t: Tiny Buddha