It’s a new week, and a new round of ridiculous tabloid stories to mock. Here are the top fitness related tabloid stories this week. Life&Style’s Knifestyles of the rich and famous page completely picks part Winona Ryder, and accuses her of having botox, a rhinoplasty, cheek fillers, lip fillers, and a slew of other cosmetic surgeries. It compares a picture of Winona in 1990, and a current photo – how dare she look mildly different? It must be plastic surgery, it couldn’t possibly be 20 years of aging gracefully. Us Weekly is all over the C-list celebs stories, as former Real Housewives of Atlanta star (star? Can we call her that? There should be a better term) Kim Zolciac shares how she got her pre-baby body back just four months after giving birth to twins, with the help of her NFL player husband. In Life&Style, Britney Spears’ personal trainer, Tony Martinez, spills the beans on how Britney lost 20lbs in just 4 weeks. Her secret is protein packed meals, controlling portion sizes, and working out. SHOCK AND AWE. Both Star magazine and OK! report on Rob Kardashian’s weight gain struggles. He’s currently at a rehab centre for substance abuse issues, since it wasn’t just the overeating that caused his weight gain, it was weed and sizzurp consumption – good ol’ purple drank, always leads to rehab. In Touch gives the scoop that Miley Cyrus might have a heart attack! According to doctors who have never ever treated her, and based on her 2009 memoir that mentioned her tachycardia, a slightly above average heart beat rate, as well as her reefer smoking alcoholic lifestyle choices. It’s a race against time before Miley’s heart stops twerking. In Touch also reports on Christina Aguilera having baby weight panic, and the magazine gallantly concern-trolls her with platitudes like “don’t be so hard on yourself!” with an underlying tone of “don’t gain anymore weight”. They also refer to her as Xtina on the cover, which I find entirely unnecessary. For a similarly pithy take on tabloid magazines check out Jezebel's midweek madness.