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Help! I don't desire my husband!

April 14, 2015 2 min read

QUESTION: When I moved in with my partner, I was drawn to his loving personality and the fact we had many shared interests. But I was never truly sexually attracted to him. Eight years on, I have no desire to have sex. He's upset and baffled, but I don't know how to remedy the situation. Help! Answer: There are lots of reasons people get together and sexual attraction doesn't have to be the motivating factor. Relationships based on sex alone can fall apart fast while those based on more solid attributes, like companionship and compatibility, can endure many hardships. Assuming that you can't think of something in particular you'd like him to be doing to get your motor running, it might be worth seeing a qualified sex therapist as a couple. Maybe all you need is a little imagination and willpower to move past this current disinterest. But if it is just him, and not something he's doing 'wrong' in bed, than you need to have an honest conversation with him. He loves and desires you and is hurt by your rejection. This damages his self worth which likely contributes to your lack of attraction. Nasty little cycle, really. And you, you're carrying the burden of a truth not told. This is not good for either of you. It will be hard but tell him what you feel. Explain that, through not fault of his, you do not desire him. You think he is wonderful and loving but you aren't sure you can make a sexual relationship work. Once you've opened the door to an honest dialogue, there is no telling what can happen. Many middle aged partners find that sexual flames have died down, but that doesn't mean a relationship has to end. If you are kind and truthful with one another, you can grow a truly beautiful partnership. And sometimes, this can lead to the flames reigniting. Honesty is the answer. You can't move forward without it. We always like to throw these questions out to you guys, because so many of you have may have some supportive advice for people dealing with these types of issues. Let us know your thoughts in the comments!

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