I really think a lot of you will relate to this & I hope, as always, my honesty helps you know that I totally understand that we all get lost sometimes, but it will get better - I promise !!
I have really struggled this year, with ongoing surgery problems, family members passing, travelling between endless time differences, no fixed routine, missing home, dark nights, dark mornings & not to mention the brutal the Canadian Cold that trapped you indoors for days on end - all of these together really brought me down, something I hadn't experienced before.
I just didn't have the tools to understand how to change it & for a few months, I have to be honest, I completely and utterly lost my Mo-Jo, I cried a lot. By not being myself & doing what I truly loved everyday - it almost felt like a death, I felt like I'd lost myself & my purpose, almost like a light bulb had been switched off inside of me & not even my best friend & sister could pull me out of it.
I tried to keep my routine no matter where I was, but sometimes it was just impossible - it got to the point where I forced myself to train just to try and somehow switch myself on again - as that's who I was right ? this is what I did !! It's all I have known since 16 - even when I was so tired, out of sync or just not in the right head space, I tried ... & honestly - It was horrible. I just remember going through the motions, hating the fact that I could feel my fitness levels dropping and my body not feel like my own anymore. I knew I was & had been better than this & I just felt powerless as I couldn't chance some of the circumstance that were occurring - Esp when it was doctors orders.
I was left in the situation where the one thing I felt great at & that was essentially 'me' had been turned into a chore ... so now what ? If I didn't have my purpose & my essence, and I couldn't see how I was ever able to get myself back to feeling fit & lean again, what was the point of it all ?? especially if It had come to the point where in my head I had convinced myself that I just wasn't happy doing it anymore ?
I had given myself every excuse as to why it was ok not to train today, the weather, being tried, having to be somewhere, having to work .... anything I could think of, yet the WHOLE time I was hating myself for using or allow those lame ass excuses to get the better of me day after day - this wasn't me !! I'm not this person.
The one thing I knew I was able to do was ensure that I never let anyone else down, (just myself .. weird ay) - I was 100% able to perform workouts, with the same or even faster times that before & even tired, as always, I was completely obsessed with make sure you were all pushed & the site was moving forward with the best workouts we could all offer etc.
However inside I was just so sad. I knew deep down inside that the essence of me was still there, I just couldn't seem to reach myself
day after day, I had closed myself off from the feeling the exhilaration I got from working out, I was almost going through the motions - something had taken over me that I was struggling to shake off & I needed to find out what it was & I needed to change it.
I had been reminded that life was precious by the passing of my sister at 42 and I was blessed to be able to do something I loved everyday. So, I sat with myself day after day in a quiet space and tried to find out what it was that I was missing .... no excuses this time - just me v's me.
What was the thing I needed in my life to be truly happy inside my soul ?
The fact of the matter was that I was struggling to reconnect with who I once was - I had a simple daily routine that made me feel empowered & I loved it & thats what made me who I was ! - It really was that simple.
I described it to Freddy as a writer that every-time they wanted to write the pen burnt their fingers... you want to do it, but when you do it just doesn't feel the same & then you end up never writing again and just looking at it from a distance with a feeling of loss. Almost like looking at old pictures of yourself & feeling a sense of sadness that you no longer feel that way anymore & you don't know the precise moment why or where it went - or even more importantly how to get it back.
So I took action, I took myself back to basics. To be happy its really simple - I need to train hard everyday, eat right & be with people who I can support & they support me - These are the only things I need.
I know I have to make this a priority everyday. I need to be brave enough to say no & set time aside for me everyday, not feeling the burden of letting anyone down if I take time out & most of all I need what I have always had throughout my life - I need to place myself in right situations that support my lifestyle & with people that support & encourage my passion everyday.
So thats what i did, I started everyday step by step. Yes it was hard at first & it took time but after a few weeks of doing all of the things I needed everything started to fall into place.
I'm very aware that I don't need things, or money to be happy, it comes down to my passion, some people paint, some write, some dance ... I am happy helping people feel better & looking after myself by being in the best shape I can be everyday.
So, Today I wanted to talk about feeling lost, knowing yourself, sticking to values & a lifestyle that empowers you.
Surrounding yourself with people who make life worth while everyday & remind you of whats important & share your views, even if it's just for 10 mins - get your daily fix. Basically don't try to become someone you are not just because you feel the pressure of conforming to a social stigma & no matter what it is, if you love doing it... do it everyday, because thats who you are & what will make you're soul feel alive & happy.
I really hope this helps if you are feeling lost. We are all human & we all go through moments where we need to reconnect with who we are, That's why this group is so important.
We have been brought together on here for a similiar love or passion of fitness. Don't be afraid to ask for help or reach out on here or my Facebook page. I know how it feels to be lost or needing help or direction to get you back on track
Together we will get through anything life throws at us : )
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