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My Journey To Overcoming Body Dysmorphia

October 15, 2014 4 min read

    Whoa.  It seems like yesterday when I was staring into my mirror daily and constantly pointing out what was wrong with me: "My thighs are too fat." "I hate my jiggle." "I wish I were a size 0" These are some of the thoughts that ran through my mind as I stood there critiquing my body. In my teens, I struggled with an eating disorder, but overcame it after almost a year of binging and purging. I did not like what I was doing to my body or my self esteem. I never felt beautiful until I was skinny enough until I saw a certain number on the scale. Eventually, I moved past that, put some weight back on and just dealt with it. 0 (1) At my petite 5 foot 3 inch frame, back in 2010, I stood at almost 150lbs-my highest weight. Sure, that isn't obese by anymeans.  But none of it was muscle and I continously fed my body Burger King, Chik Fil A, and anything that I could get my hands on. I was in nursing school and constantly in a rush, stressed out, and devoting all of my time to studying that I put my health on the backburner. And boy, oh, boy it showed. I was a few pounds overweight, according to BMI charts anyways. 76930_1493966950948_6610861_n Back in 2010, I realized I had to make a change after watching Food Inc. and a few other documentaries. I quit the crap, cleaned out my pantry, made a list, and went grocery shopping. My whole life changed! I dropped 45lbs within 9 months by clean eating alone. I did not work out! This was a big mistake as it let my body skinny with no tone aka skinny fat. But tone and building muscles did not matter to me, I wanted skinny.  And until I was skinny,  I was not good enough. This is where I went to far. Having this mindset is called body dysmorphia or seeing yourself in a way that actually isn't true. In my mind, my thighs still jiggled and I was too big. I ended up at almost 100lbs and a size 0, what I once hoped for, was loose on me. But, since I was doing things the healthy way, this time, I felt that I was doing no harm. 578653_435433513244518_1941112797_n I did not realize that you CAN take healthy and clean eating too far.  I became OBSESSED with being healthy. 1411669420717_wps_13_ddlovato_1_minute_ago I did not touch sugar-not even one gram-for almost a year. If someone offered me a cupcake, I would freak out. I counted calories like a mad woman. I think I even stopped eating peanut butter at one point because I felt it had too many calories. My mind was so programmed "eat clean, clean, clean" that I would sit down and read everything on the labels before every eating. I still read labels today, but I am not as crazy about it. At work, the girls at the clinic made me a birthday cake that year and I wouldn't even touch it. I think I limited myself to 1,200 calories a day, which is certainly not enough, as I worked on my feet for 8 hours a day seeing patients. Those 1,200 calories conisted of soups, salads, fish, fruits, and veggies for the most part. I had the clean eating part down pat, but I was unknowingly starving my body of the calories it so desperately needed. After my divorce from my ex-husband, I put a little weight back on and went from my mere 100lbs to almost 130lbs (Thanks, Ben & Jerry, wine, girls nights, and How I Met Your Mother reruns). During my marriage to this guy, he only told me that I was beautiful once I lost all of the weight. I am so thankful for getting out of that marriage because it was toxic to my health, mind, and body. 0 (1) It was not until I met my amazing husband, Grady, that I really began to see myself as beautiful and started accepting my weight, for whatever it was. It was not that I needed a man to validate me and my appearance- at this pointit was just the positive affirmation that I so desperately needed to know that the number on the scale had nothing to do with my worth. After we married, I wanted to be the best version of myself. I wanted to become healthy, but not obsessive. I wanted to say yes to a cupcake every now and then and be HUMAN. I started working out in the gym 4-5 days a week and started eating 5-6 clean meals daily, aiming for about 1,800 calories a day. Amidst all of this, we were trying for a baby-and I became pregnant shortly after trying for two months. DSC_0105 During my pregnancy, I never felt more beautiful and I vowed to take the best care of myself and my growing baby during my pregnancy. I stayed in the gym, did prenatal yoga, and I ate clean for the most part though I aimed for 500 extra calories per day (2,300 calories total). I craved chips & queso during my second trimester, but when I wanted something, I would eat just a little or in moderation. IMG_4702 After birth, I started my postpartum workout program 12 weeks later, once life settled down. My goal this time? To create muscle. And that I did-and still trying! I amped my calories up to 2,300-2,500 if not more, as I was still breastfeeding (and still am today, 8 months later). Today, I have no desire to become skinny. Today, I have no desire to obssess over the scale. Today, I have no desire to limit what I am craving. Today, I do desire to be the best version of myself. Inside & out. Today, I do desire to be healthy. Not just for my husband and son, but for ME. Today, I do desire to set a good example for those who follow me and for those whom I love. Today, I desire to love me. No matter what the scale says. 0 (1)   To keep up with my ever hectic but lovely journey, come visit me at my blog by double clicking the image below!URLSmall

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