I've suffered from depression & anxiety since I was a teen due to certain circumstances that I had to go through. There were times when, quite frankly, I just did not desire to live. I was angry at God for giving me this
life. Something in me always told me to keep going, and so I did.
But just because I kept going does not mean it has been easy.
I was officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety in January of 2012. I was put on a medication called Celexa and it seemed to work wonders. I realized that in order to be happy, I had to rid my life of those purely toxic people. So I did just that and went through a bitter divorce. Several months later, I met my current and very loving husband, we married after 6 months, and then 6 months later, we tried for and successfully conceived our beautiful baby boy. Life was wonderful and I was on top of the world.
Before getting pregnant, I consulted with my doctor and decided to get off of the Celexa because I did not want to risk any side effects on my unborn baby. It went very well-pregnancy went perfectly actually. Sure, I had some moodiness from time to time, but that was just those pregnancy hormones that everyone warns you about.
After my son was born, I remember standing in the hospital bathroom, looking in the mirror. I had never felt so empty in my life. This made me devastated.
I know what you are thinking: "But, that precious miracle is right in front of you!"
I get that.
When you spend months trying to conceive this precious miracle, and once you become pregnant, you form such an attachment. Every little kick. Every little flutter. He was a part of me. LITERALLY. And once he was born, I guess I missed that so much that I would cry and weep daily.
Don't get me wrong
-I was filled with a TON of pride and happiness and so much joy in my heart after becoming a new mommy. I loved my son to the moon and back. I loved my husband for helping me to give life to this little boy. It was the fact that the negative or sad emotions were drowning all of the positive ones.
The day we came home with our son, I remember just crying and crying. The crying went on intermittently for weeks. Don't get me wrong-I was happy. However, I couldn't get over these silly thoughts of how my baby was growing up so fast and feeling like I was missing out on moments with him.
I figured the crying spells were just baby blues and figured I would be fine in a few weeks. A lot of times, after pregnancy, it leaves a woman's hormones pretty wacked up!
. Didn't happen.
I eventually went on to feel empty on a daily basis after giving birth. I could barely smile! I looked at my precious baby boy and my loving husband and thought "I am so blessed- why in the world do I feel this way?"
I didn't feel like dressing up or going out anywhere. I didn't feel like talking to anyone. I ignored phone calls and text messages. I had all of these accomplishments with my blogging work and I could not even be happy for myself. I was literally going through the motions. I was given the okay to workout at 6 weeks but I didn't even begin until the 12th week because I simply felt like doing nothing. Isn't that a terrible way to live? I also had been having these little fits where I would get mad at the littlest things. I then realized something was definitely wrong with my hormones. The problem was not just going to disappear on its own.
By the time that my son was 3 months old, I decided to call my doctor to make a change. Whether it is getting back on anti-depressants, then so be it. I will do whatever it takes to be a happy and healthy momma and wife for my family.
I went and consulted with my physician and was presecribed Zoloft. I have been on the medication for almost 5 months now and boy, oh, boy has it made a huge impact. I feel better
. I am now able to enjoy times with my son and my husband and I am no longer crying or worrying daily. Other than the medication, I also spend my time meditating before starting my day and doing my morning yoga routine to help put my mind at ease and make for a better day. I have been taking stroller walks with my family after dinner some nights to help me unwind before bedtime. I have also invested in a new yearly planner so I do not get overwhelmed as easily. And thank goodness for chamomile tea!
If you are a new mother and are suffering from postpartum depression, I want you to know that it is OKAY.
You are NOT
crazy for being on medication, if you need it. Do not ever be afraid to talk to someone. Speak up! It was hard for me to make the call to talk to my doctor because I told myself I did not
need medication and that I would be okay. But then I realized, who's hero am I really trying to be
? I needed to be my own
hero and pride was not going to solve my problems.
Part of me wishes that I would have gone and seeked treatment sooner because I feel I missed out on so much time with him by being in this constant haze. But then again, the timing was perfect because I actually went and got help.
However, there is no "cure" for depression. Depression is not something that you can wish away or pray away. I would not hope for depression on my worst enemy. It is a chemical imbalance within the brain-sometimes, way beyond our control. Do not ever let anyone tell you to just "turn it off." Because, you can't.
Sometimes, I still have my moments-after all, I am human. But, I deal with it the best that I can and with the love and support from my husband and son.
I am so happy to say that I am truly happy and doing better.
One day at a time.
To follow along in my journey, come visit me over at my blog by double clicking the image below: