Have you ever noticed that the people who do you the most dirt are the same ones who are most paranoid about you doing the same? They accuse, they point fingers. They go out of their way to make you feel worse than you already do. You would think since they had just hurt someone they supposedly love, they would be doing their best to make amends but sometimes, they don't. In his blog, Guy Stuff, marriage and family therapist Kurt Smith discusses the reasons men cheat, why they blame other people and the steps they go through when dealing with what they've done. Although the information is geared to men, it is important to note that all of it can be applied to women as well.
Liars and cheaters pretend it never happened.Smith says:
"How men [and women] cheat is by dealing with the reality that they’ve hurt another by denying it. You don’t have to deal with something that is not a reality to you."They wipe it from their memory, twist it and make you feel guilty for assuming such a thing. This is the first step: if it isn't real to them, they do not need to acknowledge or confront it.
Liars and cheaters rewrite history.If you are going to deny the truth, it is short work to then warp it. Again Smith says:
"Denial is one of the coping mechanisms that cheating [people] use to mentally make it okay to cheat, [so] rewriting history and blaming their partners shouldn’t come as much of a surprise. When cheaters rewrite history and blame everything on their partners, there’s even less that they have to deny."They rewrite the past to make themselves feel better. They change things to make themselves look innocent. Which, of course, makes you the bad guy. They will do anything to shift the blame, even if it means putting it on you.
Liars and cheaters will blame you even if you leave the relationship.If you muster everything you've got left and manage to leave the relationship, be prepared to still be cast as the one who did all the wrong. According to Smith:
"When [cheaters are] denying reality, seeking to blame others and avoid responsibility, then making [their] ex-partner the bad guy is really pretty easy and makes sense. Making [their] partner out to be the bad one, and the one who has done wrong, can make [their] wrong behavior seem right."When they create something to be angry about, they are able to justify their own behaviour.