"By the end of my 30-minute instalment, I made the rookie mistake of weighing myself, thinking surely I must have dropped a solid 20 pounds in belly sweat alone," Brie said. "Feeling defeated by the number glaring back at me, my mind turned to a passage in Khloé's book: 'You're training for life. Stop looking at the numbers on the scale. This is about health, not numbers. And stop being in such a rush. There is no elevator to success; you have to take the stairs.'"
Part 2: The Diet"Koko Loko, as North calls her favourite aunt (sorry, Kourt) begins each day with a black coffee," Brie noted. "Come 8 a.m., she has a big glass of water, oatmeal and a protein shake." Brie opted for a hard-boiled egg instead. But later, she had her first taste of Lyfe Tea, which is a teatox the Kardashians love. Brie snacked on an apple with peanut butter at 11 a.m., like KK. And by lunchtime, at 1 p.m., she scarffed down a Chinese chicken salad with the star's healthy recipe. At 3.pm., she ate hummus, chopped veggies and edamame. At 7 p.m. it's dinnertime, and Brie ate steamed veggies and salmon, which she admitted was kind of boring, but it's the Khloé way! "As a special treat, I make myself a Kris Jenner Kocktail, which is a vodka-soda, but I felt like less of a heathen draining it on a school night, knowing it has such a klassy name. Luckily, the elixir makes me forget about the fishy smell lingering in my shoebox flat," Brie said. "At 9, she delights in a bowl of fruit with plain Greek yogurt, but I didn't feel like waking up all dairy gassy so I skipped that too. Plus, if I'm going to spike my glycemic levels while I'm trying to unwind, I at least want chocolate to be involved. Instead, I have some berry-infused water (Khlo keeps about 12 different bottles in her fridge, which I'm totally adapting)." "All in all, her diet is very much doable. I repeated it for the rest of the week, knowing I'd be slipping into a whole lot of bodycon by the end, and admittedly I did feel more lithe, if a bit bored."
Part 3: H &MNo, not the store. This is what Khloé calls her hair and makeup time. Brie says her own regimen usually only takes up about 15 minutes of her time. She admits, however, her beauty routine is not all that special. "I grew up in a hair salon, watching my single mom stylist beautify folks every day. You'd think I would have picked up a thing or two but I am absolutely clueless when it comes to makeup application. Or maybe I've actively stayed ignorant over the years because I'm afraid that once I start learning how to wear foundation, the one day I stop, everyone will ask if I'm feeling sick. I'd rather pallid be my signature look." To take on Khloé's H&M, she decided to recruit some pros. "First came the spray tan, which according to an insider, the sistahs K do once a week. But it couldn't be any old misting. I'm too method for that. Hot off spray painting the Victoria's Secret goddesses for their annual fashion show — which didn't make me feel self-conscious at all —artist to the stars, Krystin Pradas came to my studio for some private bronzing time. Forty minutes later, my pasty pooch had a lovely glow. Bonus: I got to keep the disposable underwear she gifted me. And although I smelled vaguely of livestock, I did look about 2 pounds slimmer." Makeup was next for Brie. She recruited an artist from Glamsquad.
Part 4: FashionBrie prefers loose-fitting attire, and was a bit hesitant to take on KK's go-to outfits, including her obsession with body-con. "As a child chubette myself with the sartorial sense of a Mennonite, I've long admired her confidence, coupled with her cardinal brand of DGAF attitude." "So, I blasted some Kanye, wriggled my banana loaf into some industrial strength Spanx, and pretended that my baby maker was not in fact showing for my first ensemble (baby maker, not pictured)."
Then she slipped on a revealing jumpsuit.Brie was worried about her boobs falling out, however, and wondered what crazy glue KK has in her closet that keeps her set looking so perfect. She was also self-conscious of whether her chest looked perky enough to be wearing such an outfit, feeling fairly sure it didn't. "Khloé, who is famous for her candour, lives by the concept that honesty won't hurt a person if it comes from a loving place. So, standing there, lopsided, in front of a stained white curtain that separates my kitchen from my bed-living room, I asked my husband to tell me if I really looked as gross as I thought I did."
His response? "You've seen better days." As she tried not to fall in her sky-high heels making her way to the fridge, she remembered another quote from KK's book. "Face your pain, don't run from it." Brie took the advice to heart."Exhausted from sucking in and trying to reflect the aura of a self-actualised woman who refuses to smile in photos, while feeling decidedly not fierce, I peeled off the weaponised footwear and the bandage dresses and let the athleisure part of the night take hold. Because if there's anything Khlo likes more than showing off her assets, it's perfecting permanently-headed-to-the-gym chic."
Part 5: Selfie TimeBrie has never taken a selfie before. But ... there's a first time for everything. First thing's first: preparation. "I start my morning by applying my coffin-style press-on nails (Since when are there so many different nail shapes, by the way? What happened to square or round?) but didn't take into account that once these talons were on, I couldn't pop in contacts, zip my trousers, or, ya know, hold my phone."
"Khlo says negativity begets negativity and no one wants to be around that, so after three minutes, instead of letting those monstrosities make me cranky, I just ripped them off. Because I'm a grown-up. I make the rules. There, that's better. But it only took one snap for me to start feeling bad about myself." "Suddenly wrapped up in a hideous feedback loop of narcissism and insecurity, while trying to capture an image that made me look half as good as I do when I'm grinning in a group of friends, I was reminded that Kimmy K once said it takes 1,200 selfies to take a decent one, and she has them professionally edited, no less. This makes me feel simultaneously better and worse. The time it takes to snap 1,200 wannabe sultry selfies would be better spent doing literally anything else." Thirty minutes later and Brie thought she got a good one ... minus the toilet paper! "Earlier today, when a colleague reached for my phone, I snatched it back so quickly it may as well have had an album of peen pics on it. I was so embarrassed that she might see one of the 127 selfies I'd taken."
Brie felt dumb not smiling, and was self-conscious of her "mismatched" eyebrows.
Brie discovered that selfies are most definitely not her thing.