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The Onion: How To Live Gluten Free

June 03, 2014 2 min read

The Onion is one of my favourite publications, and this article on how to live gluten-free is too good to paraphrase:
With the rise in celiac disease and widespread availability of gluten-free products, many Americans are cutting gluten from their diets in an effort to improve their overall health. Here is The Onion’s guide to avoiding wheat, barley, rye, and other glutinous foods:
  • A good way to tell if a food contains gluten is that it will emit a low, hollow sound when tapped.
  • A little amaranth or arrowroot goes a long way to making you forget what cupcakes tasted like.
  • If you’re having a tough time avoiding glutinous food, simply go out and purchase a tiny gluten-straining sieve to install in your throat, which sell for as little as $10.
  • Go all in on cucumbers.
  • If you’re going to be gluten-free, you need to learn the shorthand: A “binker” is a loaf of gluten-free bread, a “sweet Linda” is a restaurant that serves gluten-free items, and a “hoobster” is a pretty woman buying a gluten-free cookbook.
  • Always read the packaging. You’re one of these people now.
  • Murder all bakers in proximity to your home.
  • Staying gluten-free requires dodging temptations, so avoid hanging out in wheat or barley fields and make sure to cut off all contact with your rye farmer.
  • Don’t know any other way to tell you this, but you can’t eat waffles anymore. Sorry.
  • Above all, remember to stock up on money, as staying gluten-free requires a diet rich in supplemental income.
I want to start using “binker” “sweet Linda” and “hoobster” in my daily vocabulary. I really think we could make it a thing, I’ll have to come up with a binker recipe now. So, some of these points are clearly ridiculous, but there are a few that are funnily accurate; gluten-free products generally are more expensive, you’ll always read your food’s packaging, and amaranth and arrowroot are actually some good gluten-free baking staples. If you are going gluten-free there BodyRock has plenty of sources to help you stay informed, as well as several tasty recipes - just don’t try to find a gluten sieve, and maybe try not to murder the bakers in your neighbourhood.

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