With the rise in celiac disease and widespread availability of gluten-free products, many Americans are cutting gluten from their diets in an effort to improve their overall health. Here is The Onion’s guide to avoiding wheat, barley, rye, and other glutinous foods:
A good way to tell if a food contains gluten is that it will emit a low, hollow sound when tapped.
A little amaranth or arrowroot goes a long way to making you forget what cupcakes tasted like.
If you’re having a tough time avoiding glutinous food, simply go out and purchase a tiny gluten-straining sieve to install in your throat, which sell for as little as $10.
Go all in on cucumbers.
If you’re going to be gluten-free, you need to learn the shorthand: A “binker” is a loaf of gluten-free bread, a “sweet Linda” is a restaurant that serves gluten-free items, and a “hoobster” is a pretty woman buying a gluten-free cookbook.
Always read the packaging. You’re one of these people now.
Murder all bakers in proximity to your home.
Staying gluten-free requires dodging temptations, so avoid hanging out in wheat or barley fields and make sure to cut off all contact with your rye farmer.
Don’t know any other way to tell you this, but you can’t eat waffles anymore. Sorry.
Above all, remember to stock up on money, as staying gluten-free requires a diet rich in supplemental income.
Fast, Express Shipping.
Due to COVID-19, shipping systems the world over are experiencing abnormal delays. While health and wellness companies such as ours are Essential Services, there is simply an enormous demand on postal and delivery services as individuals and hospitals need more supplies than ever before. This is an unprecedented situation, and we are working around the clock to fulfill your orders as quickly as possible. To be clear, we are filling orders in 4-5 days, and we are shipping immediately after that. Once shipped, our shipping partner, UPS, will get your order out to you as quickly as possible. You will receive the tools you need to stay safe and strong at home through this difficult time. Thanks for your support and understanding.
We want you to start your fitness journey with us as quickly as possible, that’s why we send every package to the USA & Canada via expedited or standard shipping with our partners at UPS. Once your order is received and processed, it typically takes 2-4 days to get to you once it leaves our warehouse. That’s our commitment and we stand by it.
We ship within Canada and the United States via UPS with Standard & Expedited shipping (whichever is faster)
For locations outside of the US and Canada, we ship using FedEx International (EUROPE and Other Nations), which is usually in transit for 7-10 business days, depending on location.
We ship all of our physical products with UPS, from our warehouse location in Kingston, Ontario, Canada. Delays caused due to custom withholds are not included in these estimated delivery times.
We offer a 30-day return policy, as long as: it is not more than 30 days past the date of delivery; and your item is in its original condition and packaging with the original order number. Refunds will be issued when the equipment is received back to the BodyRock warehouse, minus the original cost of shipping, and the customer is responsible for the costs of return shipping. To request a refund on physical product purchases, please contact us.
We cannot issue refunds on digital goods such as e-books or videos, as these are non-tangible goods that are irrevocable once the order is placed.
All of the BodyRock clothing is made to order and so is final sale. If you have any questions about sizing prior to placing your order, please contact us.