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Being Single Isn't Why You're Miserable, You're Just Bad At Being Alone

May 14, 2015 3 min read

We've all seen it. Those people who are miserable alone but no less miserable when in a relationship. Maybe you are one of those people yourself. If this is the case for you, it may be hard to admit that you are the common link in both those scenarios. That can be a confusing and painful realization for some. We all carry baggage into our relationships and sometimes, it gets in the way. If you need help sorting through your misery, maybe these points can help.

Your happiness isn’t contingent upon your relationship; it’s contingent upon yourself.

If you weren't happy before you got into a relationship, why would you think that would change after? A relationship is not a miracle cure. You cannot have a healthy relationship if you expect it to be a cure. If you have issues in your life that need resolving, you are the only one able to resolve them. Other people can support you, but they cannot cure you.

The relationship status isn’t the issue; you’re the issue.

Is there someone refusing to commit to you? Are you super hung up in your relationship status? Maybe that person doesn't want to commit to you because you don't have your act together. Stop blaming your lack of relationship on another person. It is hard but once you learn to look inward, and to fix whatever is holding you back, commitment will come.

Stop finding things to blame; try to find ways to fix them.

Shift your energy focus from blaming to fixing. Sure, bitching about things is easier (and more fun) but fixing them is healthier and more sustainable. No one wants to be with someone who lets their problems build and never lifts a finger to resolve them. Failure to find solutions will only drive someone away. Think about it. If the shoe were on the other foot, how long would you last?

The fights you have with yourself are being replaced with another person.

Those arguments you've been having in your head, you're now having with another person. Is that fair or healthy? Of course not. You can't project onto another person, you've got to deal with it yourself.

Relationships will add new problems, not fix old ones.

When you get into a relationship, new problems are bound to arise. If you don't find a way to handle the troubles you had before the relationship started, how do you expect to be able to handle the new ones? You need to look after yourself first.

No one is going to want a victim.

Learn how to rescue yourself. There is nothing less attractive than helplessness. And at the end of the day, you're the only one you can actually trust to get things right.

You have to question someone who wants to be with you when you don’t believe in yourself.

Why are you trying to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't value self love? If you don't think you're at your best, you aren't presenting your best in your relationship. Why settle? And why let that other person settle for less than what you can offer?

Someone loving you isn’t going to make you love yourself.

Self love is the most meaningful gift you can give to yourself. You are responsible for your own happiness, single or not. You are the only person who can make you love yourself. Don't look to relationships to find what you already have the ability to do on your own.

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