Should I Stay With My Boyfriend If He Doesn't Love Me?
Q: Should I stay with my boyfriend even if he doesn't love me anymore? My boyfriend and I have been together for almost eight months now. But lately he hasn't answered to my "I love you"s. I noticed that. And now he asked me, "How do you feel it's [the relationship] going?" We both thought the same, [that] "it's good," but he made an addition. He said he felt less for me than at the start of our relationship. OK, I get that, but isn't that normal? It's not like I feel super in love all the time either. But the longer I am in this relationship, the more my feelings for him have grown. I care a lot about him. So when we were talking, I asked a lot of questions. He needed alone time, in the sense of time for himself. I told him that that's OK with me and that I want to have as much fun together as we can. But it really hurts. He probably won't ever tell me he loves me again. I don't know if I'll only make it more painful for myself to stay with him. It's something that just happened yesterday, and my head is exploding with more questions and stupid feelings.
I'm sure you are hurting and I don't want to be insensitive but the answer as to whether or not you should stay is a flat out 'no!' If what you are looking for is a long term, loving relationship, than you need a partner who will love you. I don't doubt that he likes you and cares about you, but that isn't the same as loving you. You deserve more than that and there is more than that out there for you. You've been together 8 months and if you stay longer, you're only going to hurt yourself more. I think the time has come to end it. If he comes back to you and says that he loves you and wants to be with you, than that's the guy for you. But otherwise, no. I don't want you to settle for this guy and miss someone who will consider you the love of his life.
Q: I have this guy friend who has been my best friend pretty much since sophomore year in high school, and he's been there for me through some shit — breakups, getting kicked out and being homeless (twice), wrecking my car, and being totally broke. I'm currently in a relationship with someone I live with. For a while, I've had the feeling that my friend likes me. He hasn't said anything to me though, because I know he wouldn't want to get in the way of what my boyfriend and I have. I don't really know how to handle this. I love my friend a lot, but that's it — as a friend. Should I bring it up to him? Or wait to see if he says anything? He doesn't make any passes at me or anything.
Usually, you should talk things out. Say the uncomfortable truths, get it all on the table. But not this time. Intense long term friendships carry a mix of feelings sometimes. He's likely felt friendly towards you sometimes and romantically at others. But he doesn't seem to be anxious or confused about things now. If he's not making passes at you or expressing his feelings means that he either doesn't have romantic feelings for you, has romantic feelings but respects your current relationship or is too shy to say anything and is waiting for the right moment. No matter what, it is up to him to say something if he wants to change the current status of your relationship. Your feelings for him are clear. You've chosen to be with someone else. And by being such close friends, he does know how much he means to you, as a friend. If wants to have this difficult conversation, it is up to him. Otherwise, I say keep this one to yourself to avoid unnecessary trouble.
Q: An old friend of mine was coming into town for business so he reached out to me to have dinner. When we used to work together, there was always chemistry between us, but he had a longtime girlfriend and neither of us was trying to mess that up. So of course, now that he's single, dinner was amazing and I ended up spending the night with him at his hotel. I actually spent every night he was in town at his hotel. After the first few days, I figured it was just about sex for him and I was alright with that because I wasn't trying to rush into slapping a relationship label on us, but he started doing things that, if I were just an easy lay, he wouldn't do — things you only do if you care about someone. So, when he was back in town a few weeks later, I let myself fall a little and started showing my feelings for him, but once he noticed, he disappeared and I haven't heard from him since. What the hell happened?! I knew deep down it would never work because he travels nearly the entire year, but I guess I'm just pissed about how he handled it. If a friend can toss me aside like that, what's keeping every other guy from doing the same?
Sounds like this guy dropped off the face of the Earth without saying a word. If that's the case, call him up. Tell him you were disappointed by the way he took off and you want to know what happened. There is nothing wrong with asking for clarity.
Your instincts, however, are probably correct. He likely just wanted something casual but had more fun with you than he had anticipated. When it looked like things were going deeper, he bolted.
I don't doubt that this hurt you. But don't mistake his behaving like a jerk for a larger pattern. Not all guys are like him. You wanted to know, "What's keeping every guy from doing the same?" Just remember, you can't judge your next guy by the behaviour of the last one.
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