“I’ll give you a break. Deal at $4000.”
“OK! Ok. Ok. $475.”He wasn’t much of a bargainer. He also didn’t brush his teeth. But I guess that doesn't really matter. Nobody has to brush his or her teeth. I spent most of my life hovering over that table like a fish hook, which is most likely how I attained such perfect curvature in my poor posture. My parents never corrected my posture. They just watched me dangle there as I slurped my soup - my chin almost dipping into the broth.
“This is how we will keep her,” I imagine my parents discussing in their bedroom before they go to bed. “If she keeps up that awful posture, she will remain a virgin forever.”Little did they know that horrible posture does not stop a woman from developing breasts, hips, and a curiosity about other things. In her teenage years, my sister never really had anything to say about...well... anything, other than “I don’t know.”
“How was your day, Alex?”
“I don’t know.”
“And so like Carly turned to me and she said like wow your toes are so big and it must be because like you crack them and like because you drink a lot of that 2% milk at lunch and like what I think is like ---”
“If you say ‘like’ one more time, I will be ashamed that I am your father.”My dad is the diner who says something that he thinks will sound excellent, but just ends up offending my mother:
“This meatloaf is really getting there. Could use some more salt. Definitely needs a lot of ketchup.”
“DAD! SERIOUSLY?!”Both my sister and I chime in, amazed that his training is going no where. No matter how many times we pull him aside to remind him that his comments are the worst, he decides that we are wrong.
“All you have to say is this is great! Thank you so much for making dinner, sweetheart!”
“...but then I would be lying.”My dad is a towering 6’4” and loves soda. Coke. Root beer. Sparkling raspberry Arnold Palmers. If it rots your teeth and gums out, he will be the first to come to it’s defense.
“It has tea in it. Tea is good for you. People who do yoga drink tea.”My mother knows the basics: pastas, salads, potatoes, and cheesy potatoes. Not until I entered high school did she start making recipes that she saw featured on Oprah.
“This here is an arugula salad mixed in a homemade red wine vinaigrette dressing, garnished with white peaches, cucumber, and radish.”
“Patty - where is the pasta?”
“THERE IS NO PASTA TONIGHT, KEN.”
“DAD! C’mon!”My mother and father often discussed things that neither my sister or I understood at a young age. They lowered their voices, so we knew the conversation was serious. They used adult words like "supervisor" and "co-worker" and "Home Depot". We girls put whole olives on the tips of our fingers and pretended to be tree frogs. I usually kicked my sister under the table to get her to look at me. Then I'd send a stare in her direction which meant: "Eat faster. I want to play The Sims on the computer."
“So happy to have you back, my love.”
“I am happy to be back!”
“These mashed potatoes - did you forget to----”
“DAD. SHUT UP.”
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