"Turn the light off" is a typical phrase most people blurt out when they're moments away from getting tangled up in the sheets with their lover. And most of the time, it's not because dimmed lighting is sexy.
It's because people are insecure. But didn't anyone ever tell you confidence looks good on you? And it's not just the worry of how our bodies will look when we're in the throws of passion. Our sexual confidence lacks for a multitude or reasons, and it's keeping us from having the best sex of our lives.
Amy Jo Goddard, a Sexual Empowerment coach, weighs in on the matter, providing the top five reasons we lack sexual confidence, and ways to break past it.
1. People lack sexual information.
When you're not good at something, chances are your confidence is pretty low. "Sexual ignorance contributes greatly to people’s lack of self-assurance," Goddard notes. But that's what practice is for. "You’ve got to find some version of adult sex education that’s right for you, and work on the skills you want."
2. There is no way to compare your sexual skills.
"As much as I discourage people from comparing themselves to others, we are naturally inclined to make comparisons as a means of learning about ourselves," Goddard says. But when it comes to sex, you need to understand that comparisons just don't work. "With sex, there is no reality-based comparison for how you have sex. Porn is not real. Reality TV isn’t real. Soap operas aren’t real. The questions in many magazines can be trite. So there's always a question mark about how you're 'doing sex' and whether it’s right."
So what do you do? "You’ve got to learn about real sex," she suggests.
3. Mass media is designed to make you sexually insecure.
Looking awkward at times is just the name of the game. It's better to be natural than it is to mimic what you think works. "We can’t all be Brad, George, Angelina, or whomever the sexy flavor of the moment is. Our imaginations run wild about how sexually superior sexy stars must be because the camera is designed to make them look good at sex and seduction, even if they are totally awkward in real life."
4. It’s hard to discuss sex and openly air out issues.
Remaining silent about what's bothering you only buries you in shame and insecurity and pushes you further away from your partner. "When you talk about something that is eating away at you, you get clarity about where the other person is, and you can let things go, choosing to focus on what really matters. Talking about issues in relationships can reboot or help build confidence because you know where you stand with the other person."
5. Going for it is challenging — and it takes practice.
Be direct about what you want. This is an expression of utter confidence and will truly help you out in the long run. "It’s hard for most people to ask for what they want, and it requires you to have an understanding of your own desire. When you have that inner familiarity with your true desire, it makes it a lot easier to ask for it and get it. Of course, when you are in a relationship with someone who is insecure and you confidently ask for what you really want, they might be intimidated into going along with your version of things because they don’t know what else to ask for."
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Source: Mind Body Green
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