Tom Chews?

The equal opportunity body bashers in the tabloid magazine In Touch call out Tom Cruise for being a bit overweight. I absolutely LOVE to hate tabloids; calling out the ridiculousness of the crass and unusual spin that they contribute to mainstream media is probably one of my favourite hobbies. Let me break it down for you, in this straight up rant, my venomous sarcasm made easier to read in list format:

• They call him “Tom Chews” AHAHAHAHAHA so clever, because CHEWS rhymes with CRUISE and fatties like to eat!
• Nice blimp picture. Really. Classy.
• A source calls his new gut “startling” – you know what’s startling? The fact that publications like this make money.
• They ALWAYS ask a medical professional who has absolutely no real connection to the actor at hand, in this case it’s dietician Lisa DeFazzio, who doesn’t treat Tom, but can tell from looking at a picture that he’s probably gained 25 lbs.
• Oh, and in case you weren’t exactly sure where the extra fat is, In Touch has helpfully provided labels, arrows, and a zoomed in picture, pointing out exactly how Tom Cruise is not physically perfect.
• SO WHAT if he’s gained weight? Firstly, it’s none of anyone’s business. Secondly, he’ll lose the weight again easily, because that’s what he does as part of his job – he’ll have to for Mission Impossible 5, and of course, Top Gun 2.