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"Why I Cheated On My Husband..." 5 Women Tell All

October 17, 2015 5 min read

One of the big questions that comes to mind when you hear tales of cheating spouses is: why? A team of researchers at the University of Guelph tried to answer that very questions and discovered that the motivations differ greatly between the sexes. For fellas, it is usually about the sex. The more sexually excitable they are, the more likely they are to stray. For women, it is more about the level of satisfaction in her relationship. If she is unhappy in her marriage, she is 2.6 times more likely to cheat. No matter what reasons are offered, cheating is hurtful and devastating. Many times, infidelity unearths a deeply buried relationship problem. "In many cases, it forces issues to the surface of a relationship that would have never otherwise been dealt with," says Kevin Hansen, author of Secret Regrets: What if You Had a Second Chance? Here is what 5 women had to say about their cheating experiences (some names have been changed to protect identities): CHEATING

Reason #1: "My husband was abusive, and I wanted comfort."

"From the day I married my husband, I knew it was a mistake," says 50-year-old Elizabeth Smith. "He was abusive, controlling, and expected me to quit my job to make a home for him." After just a little over a year into the marriage, she started to have an affair with someone at work. I had no illusions that I was in love, but it was eye-opening to be with someone that made me feel good about myself, made me laugh, and respected me for who I was — not who he wanted me to be," she says. "The affair helped me find myself and proved to me that I could live a life independent of my husband. It also gave me the courage to ask for a divorce. Twenty-five years later, I'm married to a wonderful man. We love making each other happy, and never try to change who the other person is." What can be learned: Although the confidence Elizabeth gained may have given her the courage she needed to end an abusive relationship, deception isn't generally the best way to do it. Get help first from a trusted friend, family member, or therapist instead, says New York City psychologist Michael E. Silverman, Ph.D.

Reason #2: "I changed my mind about having kids, and we began to resent each other."

When Vanessa Myers married her husband 6 years ago at age 22, neither of them could wait to have babies. But something changed. "I started to really love my job, and kids didn't seem to fit into the picture," she says. Her husband was hurt and began to resent her. "We started fighting a lot and I resented him for resenting me and we were just constantly hurting each other," she says. "One night I caught him trying to slip off the condom and that was pretty much the end of our sex life." This lack of intimacy is what lead her to cheat. "I met a guy online and we dated for about a year," she says. "It ended when my husband caught me." Vanessa and her husband sought therapy, both as individuals and as a couple and were able to save the marriage. "The biggest lesson I learned was that if I was unhappy in my marriage, my husband was only 50 percent to blame," she says. What can be learned: Unaddressed anger can be a breeding ground for infidelity. "Coupled with the lack of sexual intimacy, there was nothing left to hang a relationship on," he says. Dr. Silverman stresses the importance of open and honest communication in a relationship as a way for a couple to stay connected — before one of the spouses seeks comfort or intimacy outside of the marriage.

Reason #3: "I was bored and unhappy."

Barbara Gisborne had a husband and two children. And she was miserable. "My husband was a good man, but I was bored inside and out," she says. "In our community, I always felt like a square peg trying to fit in a round hole." While on a trip to Chicago, she met a man named Bob. "We had an instant connection. We exchanged numbers, kept in touch, and I decided to fly out to Australia to see him and get him out of my system," she says. "Instead, I fell in love." She left everything she knew and moved to Australia. "I became strong, independent, confident and much worldlier," she says. "That was 25 years ago and now I can say that my affair was the turning point in my life's journey. Today, Bob and I are married, own a winery in Australia, and have five children and 10 grandchildren between us." landscape-1438509648-image What can be learned: Although this story has a happy ending, that isn't usually the case. Dr. Silverman suggests looking inside yourself if you are unhappy or bored. "Healthy relationships grow and evolve, and feeling bored is a symptom of relationship stagnation. Rather than having an affair, increase the romance, change habitual patterns within the relationship, and communicate more about your feelings and needs," he says.

Reason #4: "My husband was a workaholic."

For 10 years, Barbara Singer, made her own life because her husband wasn't around. "Gary was totally consumed and exhausted by his work — there was nothing left for me," she says. "I was totally committed to my family and gave it my all, but knew in my heart that I certainly did not want this for rest of my life." One night she met up with an acquaintance named, Tom,  and it turned into an all night thing. Two weeks after meeting him, she ended her marriage. They got married but unfortunately a month into it, Tom died of a heart attack. "Meeting Tom was the best and worst thing that ever happened to me. He came into my life and woke me up, showing me ... that life is precious and that at any given moment, it can all be taken away, so if I have a dream or a goal, I better get moving on it," she says. What can be learned: "Barbara felt alone for many years, and feeling disconnected from your partner is the genesis of most of the affairs I see in my practice," says Dr. Silverman. He suggests speaking up and starting a dialogue with your spouse. Communication is the key to a stagnant marriage.

Reason #5: "He was unfaithful first."

Larie Norvell had been married about a year when she found out her husband had cheated. "I was very angry, but I was also very hurt, because I felt like I wasn't enough for him — like there was something I wasn't doing for him as his wife, which is why he felt the need to go outside of our marriage," she says. "I cheated on him — mostly for revenge, but in retrospect, it was also because I wanted validation. I wanted to know that I was still desirable to other men," she says. Once her affair was discovered, the couple separated for a few months — but then began to seek counseling and were able to salvage their marriage. What can be learned: Payback seems reasonable when you've been hurt. "Anger can be quite powerful in clouding one's judgment," Dr. Silverman says. This is why he recommends couples seek counseling. Although there aren't really any 'good' reasons to cheat, can you understand the justifications offered here? Share your thoughts with us. Source: Cosmopolitan Do you follow us on Instagram? [caption id="attachment_113860" align="alignnone" width="100"]snapchat code @BodyRockTV[/caption]

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