Allowing the flow and movement of the exercises, I began to feel everything I hadn't allowed myself to feel in weeks. Throughout this process, over the course of the daily workouts, hot tears would sometimes start streaming down my cheeks as I followed the exercises on the screen.
It was in that daily practice of exercise that I finally confronted the sadness, loneliness, and grief that I had been suppressing all along.
I'd found out I was pregnant three months before, in October. With a baby that was carefully planned, tried for, and was sure to be loved. In November, I awoke to a massive amount of blood on my bed. When I went to the hospital for tests, I discovered that I had miscarried.
"At least you weren't further along," I told myself, and "Everything happens for a reason" (which I actually do believe). But none of it was of any use. I was causing myself harm by avoiding the unpleasant truth: I was sad and in pain.
My husband was unfailingly loving and supportive. My family went out of their way to show me how much they cared. Even my almost-3-year-old daughter would wake up and ask, "Are you feeling better, Mama?" She's wiser than her years. I couldn't have asked for more from my family, but I knew something more had to come from within if I was going to recover.
In December, I was surrounded by family, friends, Christmas lights, and distractions. I allowed myself to be present with my daughter, who was experiencing the holiday magic in a way that only young children can.
A shot from the Beginner Bootcamp with coach Edith.
Then, in January, when the grey and snow arrived, my mental health plummeted. That's when I found the Beginner Bootcamp workout series. It had been years since I had purposefully exercised, and if I’m honest, I didn’t know how to exercise properly. By this point the emotional pain that I was experiencing felt physical and I wanted to take it on physically. I wanted to feel strong and secure in my body after the loss.
I decided to give the Beginner Bootcamp a shot.
As we started, each day of the journey built on the previous one. I gained mental and physical strength over the course of the month. It helped to put me in a more positive mindset by reminding me that if I fall, I can get back up and try again—both in my fitness and in my life.
The workouts and exercises are designed for people at the beginner level - so while the exercises challenged me, they weren’t overwhelming or beyond my ability. As each workout passed, the sense of accomplishment increased. It felt good to smash out each workout and make progress against something, even if I was a crying hot mess some days. The process allowed me to heal so much. I found myself moving for 12 to 15 minutes each morning in my living room, before that first sip of coffee, before the chaos of the day with a toddler and work set in. Each morning, when I heard Coach Edith’s voice at the beginning of the videos, I felt a wave of hope wash over me.
Despite the fact that I was working out on my own, I never felt lonely. I felt a sense of community created by this stranger from Toronto, made up of people connected by their own daily workout practice in their living rooms.
I could feel myself healing with each press of the video ‘play’ button. Getting a little bit more peace and understanding as I moved my body and felt myself moving through the layers of pain and anger. The daily workout taught me that my body is something that I can make stronger, something that I can trust. It has carried two little humans, one of whom is with me every day and the other who is not. I found myself releasing a lot of hurt and anger through each workout, powering the exercises with my emotions.
It took me more than 30 days to complete the Beginner Bootcamp because I gave myself wiggle room and took weekends off to spend time with my family, but I did it. And the tears flowed during that final workout. I realised that the sadness, loneliness, and grief would always be with me, but I could also let the light back in. I realised I could allow myself to be joyful, present, and grateful all at the same time. I'm getting better and feeling better.
Will we have another child? I believe so. However, we will never forget the one we lost. And I'll always be grateful for the timing of the Beginner Bootcamp, which gave me so much strength to keep going—not knowing what's next, but being okay with that.
After completing the Beginner Bootcamp volume 1, I went on to complete volume 2, which was another 30 day program. Since then, I have explored a bunch of other workouts, and am looking forward to trying out the new Beginner Bootcamp series that will debut on BodyRockPlus.com in April.
This program helped me heal, and I would encourage anyone else that is hurting, anxious, angry or fearful to give it 10-15 minutes each day. If you are in emotional pain, it will help you recover and find your feet again.
If you would like try the Beginner Bootcamp, and our other workouts, we are offering a full year of access for just $69 with code: NY22. We’d love to have you as part of our fitfam.