Dating a Narcissist? The 4 ways that they will attempt to take over your life. 

Anyone that has survived a relationship with a narcissist can testify how damaging and crazy-making it can be. We’ve covered in previous articles how toxic relationships can get in the way of your fitness and life goals, and given you tips on how to navigate those challenging relationships in a way that keeps your needs and your goals first. One of the most difficult and abusive relationships to deal with are romantic relationships with a narcissist. In today’s post we have put together a short guide to the narcissists playbook, and the 4 steps that they covertly follow to take control of your life. If you have been fortunate enough to live life to this point without having entered into a relationship with a narcissist, this article will help you recognize the red flags that you should be looking out for to avoid the emotional devastation that they inflict on their victims.

In the age of endless instagram selfies and surgically enhanced adult age ‘influencers’ prancing around half naked as a substitute for talent, all in the name of worshiping an algorithm that delivers ‘likes’ and ‘follows’ (yes, I’m increasingly disgusted by the oily taint that covers everything in social media), you might think that you are well versed in spotting narcissists. 

Question: How many ‘fitness’ accounts do you follow where the influencers primary content is themselves posing for the camera mostly naked? Ask yourself - would you feel comfortable doing this day in and day out? Would you spend hours taking pics of yourself in the mirror and then posting them for strangers? 

You might be able to spot the tell-tale signs - a lack of sympathy or empathy, the need for attention at any cost, an unyielding attitude of self-importance. But when you are in the throes of a new relationship with someone that has narcissistic tendencies, things can get foggy. Sudden shifts in someone’s behavior, and the more obvious red-flags can easily get lost in the rush of new feelings and experiences. 

Emotionally aware and empathetic people often draw the attention of narcissists. According to Erin Leonard, a practicing psychologist who has written for Psychology Today, there are 4 phases of ‘control and conditioning’ that narcissists often take before taking over someone’s life and emotional compass. In today's article, we are going to have Leonard explain these stages, so that we can avoid falling victim to them. If you are currently in a relationship with a Narcissist, understanding the phases and comparing them to your own lived experiences might just be enough to help you start to break the cycle of control and abuse.

Phase 1: The Attraction. 

“A narcissist is often extremely attracted to a person who is emotionally intelligent. He or she strives to get close to a person who is warm and caring” Leonard explains. The emotionally aware person on the receiving end of these feelings of attraction often feel flattered and validated by the narcissist’s attention. Many narcissists are extremely charming, at least initially. The narcissist typically ‘love-bombs’ their intended victims, orchestrating an intense, almost over the top level of romantic emotions that make their victims feel like they have met ‘the one’. The victim misinterprets the narcissist hyper courtship rituals as genuine attraction. The narcissist will make their victims feel ‘special’ and shower them with attention and praise. In the early stages of courtship, the narcissist will work overtime to learn their victims emotional patterns, history and vulnerabilities, all under the guise of getting to know them. Once they have a map of their victims sensitivities, they will start to precision guide the ‘love-bombing’ by using what they know about you to press your buttons. The victim opens up and overshares because they begin to trust the narcissist on the back of all the praise and validation they are receiving. Armed with your emotional history and sensitivities, the narcissist will then adjust themselves to become the person that the victim needs them to be, taking on a new, important presence in the victims life. 

The attraction phase can feel like one of the most intense emotional whirlwinds you’ve ever experienced. This ‘Hollywood level’ attraction phase lasts until the narcissist has their victim on their hook, and they are emotionally invested. Then Leonard says, things begin to change…

Phase 2: The Narcissist Feels Small.

Once the narcissist realizes that they have their victim on their hook emotionally, they start to consider what their victim has that they don’t, be that their emotional or intellectual intelligence, a career or social set of opportunities, or other characteristics that they want but don’t know how to attain on their own. 

“Sensing the partner (victim) has abilities that they lack, creates resentment”, explains Leonard. The narcissist does not understand their victim's power because they don’t have the capacity to speak or understand a genuine emotional language. The narcissist can, at best, learn to mimic other people's emotional responses in an attempt to present themselves as a human being, with emotional depth and empathy, but this performance is never genuine. The narcissist will seek out the traits that they covet in an attempt to knit together a more convincing human like disguise. “In time, the Narcissist realizes that [what they are looking for] is a commodity that cannot be extrapolated from the other person and possessed, so they resort to something else - manipulation”. 

During this phase the narcissist will often start to attempt to covertly destabilize or eliminate the primary relationships in their victims life - moving with a subtle aggressiveness against close friends and family, sewing seeds of doubt and friction wherever they can. The narcissist will tell the victims friends or work colleagues private or sensitive information about them in an attempt to undermine those relationships and sew discontent. The narcissist works to isolate their victim so that they can become the central relationship in their victims life, severing their lines of support from close friends and family to consolidate their power and influence. 

Phase 3: The Narcissist seeks to Sabotage. 

According to healthline, narcissists experience a strong desire to seek out excessive attention and admiration, often with little thought or care for the people around them. 

When their victim expresses their own agency, in the form of their emotional intelligence, education, work skills, or any talent which signals their individual power, the narcissist will begin to target their victims confidence in these areas. The narcissist’s methods for chipping away at their victims' confidence come in a variety of methods - jokes at their victim’s expense, a disparaging nickname, publicly humiliating them (think screaming or making a scene in a very public place) or downgrading or dismissing their accomplishments and victories. These are all classic examples straight out of the narcissist playbook. 

Given enough time, the narcissist will grind down their victims' confidence. The victim starts to doubt even the most basic things about themselves, and begins to lose their sense of self. Anything, no matter how small or trivial, is up for criticism. Narcissists often attack their victims body-image and fitness goals, cruely undermining the comfort that they feel in their own bodies. No area is off limits to withering criticism. Nothing can be allowed to stand independent of the narcissist's control. If the victim is working on their fitness, the narcissist will find a lever to discourage them into quitting. As the victim's confidence disintegrates, there is usually a limited number of people left in their life at this point to signal their concern or offer support. The narcissist then moves in and attempts to claim the victims traits or opportunities for themselves. 

Phase 4: The narcissist disguises their emotional abuse by being nice. 

Leonard believes that narcissists are occasionally “nice” to cloak their emotional abuse. “Suddenly they are kind and complimentary, acting like the fit of rage that they threw an hour ago never happened. The sudden change in temperament often causes confusion in an emotionally intelligent partner who naturally recognizes the good in people. He or she wonders if the toxic tendencies are exaggerated in his or her own mind. After all, a person is allowed to have a bad day. Now, the emotionally intelligent person feels foolish for perceiving the narcissist as mean”, Leonard writes. 

Isolated, without the benefit of close friends and family, the victim can lose months or even years of their life trapped in the phase 4, packing and unpacking their bags, setting ‘redlines’ that keep getting crossed by the narcissist and becoming increasingly numb to the constant abuse. Once you have reached this point, it can be hard to break free. Leonard says that [victims] should ask themselves, “would I ever do what he or she did?” If the answer is no, make a note of it, it will help you reset your emotional NorthStar and begin to navigate your feelings independently of the narcissist.

If all of this feels familiar, you might be (or have been) in a relationship with a narcissist. This article is meant as a high level overview of some of the most common patterns in the narcissists playbook, but there are others behaviours that can be just as predatory. Being in a sexually intimate relationship with a narcissist can get dark and ugly in ways that we didn’t cover here.  Withholding sex, or using physical intimacy as an opportunity to further attack the victims confidence is routine and can be emotionally devastating. Narcissists often cheat on their partners without empathy or concern for their physical health. It often takes years of therapy to start to unravel the negative impact of being in a relationship with a narcissist.

Opening up enough independent space in your own head to start to hold an awareness of what is happening is the first step in breaking free. Take the time to reinvest in yourself, particularly your health. The quiet void that envelopes your mind when you exercise will give you a much needed break from the narcissists emotional cyclone. Start to reclaim yourself and your confidence one workout at a time. Take a stand. Fitness has helped many people overcome incredible emotional trauma. If you are looking for this sort of lifeline, I invite you to come and train with us, our community of supportive BodyRockers and coaches will help you to re-establish the external support and connections with people that you are lacking. Feeling the power of movement in your body will plant seeds of strength and help you find and reclaim the parts of you that feel lost or stolen. Our Beginner Bootcamp is 30 days long - and for a limited time you can get a full year of unlimited access (365 days) to our fitness streaming platform BodyRockPlus.com for just $69 with code: NY22. The videos stream on any device, so we will be just a click away from you the whole time. Reach out and give us the chance to give you the support that you deserve.

Please know that it is possible to find your way out again and break the cycle. 

Best,

Freddy