Help! I'm not attracted to my husband because of his weight gain.

Hi BodyRockers,

I got an email from a community member with a subject line that read 'Physical Attraction'. Intrigued, I opened it up. We get a handful of emails each week from community members looking for guidance and life coaching (something that we will be officially offering in the near future). What was different about this email was that BodyRocker M (we are just using her first initial) wanted us to open this up to our community and ask for their advice. 

Here is what she wrote:

When my husband and I first started dating, I was heads and tails in love and extremely attracted to him physically. He wasn't a fitness freak, but he did lift weights in the garage a few times per week, and would jog a few times a week in the morning before work. I also want to be very clear from the onset that he had a lot more to offer than just a tight body and good looks. I fell in love with my best friend, and I loved every aspect of who he was. I just happened to also find him hot, which seemed pretty close to the perfect scenario. 

Over the last 5-6 years, he has stopped exercising altogether. It started with skipping the morning jogs, then he stopped making time to workout in the garage. At first I wasn't concerned, but as the months turned into years, his eating habits also started changing. I had always considered our diet choices something that we had in common, even if it was unspoken. We both typically chose healthier options at the grocery store, we watched our weight, we both exercised and worked out in our own way. 

There are chips, chocolate bars and ice cream sandwiches in the house now at all times. I don't mind having some treats in the house, but our pantry is starting to resemble the junk isle at the supermarket. I don't feel tempted by the treats necessarily, but it does feel like all of this stuff is in my face, a constant reminder of how much he has changed. I find myself throwing out his junk food and hiding it in the garbage. 

I've tried my best to encourage him to join me for my daily home workout on BodyRockPlus (I asked him to do the Intro to Hiit, and even asked him to do The Couples Therapy' workout series,) but so far he's shown zero interest. I stream my workouts off of the living room TV, and he will tell me things like I look 'hot', but this just makes me feel conflicted because part of me wants him to be able to put it together - I look attractive because I care about myself enough to put some effort into my diet and fitness - (thank you BodyRock coaches). I want to tell him that he needs to show up the same way that I do, but I know that saying that would hurt him. 

My fitness effort turns him on, but he isn't doing anything to reciprocate, and he's not cluing into the major imbalance this has caused between us. He has also stopped manscaping (all over), and is now growing patches of hair on his back. 

husbands Back hair

I love this man, but if I'm really honest, I'm resentful that he just stopped caring when I kept up my end. I'm not feeling sexually attracted to him in the same way. It's not that our sex is unpleasant, but I'm only connecting with my husband on an emotional level - and I miss when it was physical and emotional. I miss feeling attracted to him. 

All of this makes me feel incredible guilt. I hate having these thoughts, but I'm also feeling like a huge piece of what we had is missing, and worse, I feel like it doesn't have to be. I can't shake feeling like he is actively choosing not to to show up for himself, and this feels lazy to me. I have enough emotional intelligence to know that if you can't show up for yourself, you can't be expected to show up for others, but by choosing not to put any effort in, he is being neglectful of himself, our marriage and me. 

Just so I don't sound completely shallow, my husband is still the kind hearted guy he was when we got married. He is still my best friend, but as the things we had in common have fallen away, I don't feel as close to him. I'm losing my attraction to him, and worse, I feel resentful. I've tried to encourage him and I've expressed my concern over how unhealthy his diet has become. I can sense that he is not as confident as he was. He hides his body now, which is not something he ever use to do. 

I need help. I'm extremely worried that if this continues, we might not make it. Is it unfair for me to expect that he would put effort into maintaining his weight and appearance? I want the man that I married back. 

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

BodyRocker M.  

Please leave any advice for BodyRocker M in the comments section below. 


 Investing the time into yourself to keep yourself strong and confident is one of the best investments that you can make, not just in yourself, but your relationships. If you are looking for a place to take your first steps towards fitness and really want to start showing up for yourself, come and give our Introduction to Strength Training or our Beginner Bootcamp a try. We would love to have you in our community of BodyRockers. The first 7 days are 100% free, and you can cancel anytime. You can check out here.

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Omg I feel the EXACT same way with my husband. It’s getting bad. I don’t even want to kiss him. I’m repulsed and resentful. It really sucks because we have a daughter.

Kee Parker August 10, 2022

Wow. I thought I was the only one that felt this way.Its frustrating when you are trying to be healthy and your spouse decide to go the other way. I try to hint the issue by getting him new gym clothes and even gym membership. I invite him to workout with me and bought home gym equipment that he says he’ll would use.He did that for minute. His medince cabinets is full of prescriptions and mine if supplements. Sometimes I’m afraid ill lose all attractions for him because we no longer share the same love for health and fitness

NS November 20, 2021

I am in the same boat. I could do better with myself also, but no effort at all is coming from my husband. Other than closing your eyes and using your imagination, I got nothing…

Cammy November 17, 2021

I have no successful advice. But, I completely empathize and agree with everything you are feeling. I feel EXACTLY the same way in my relationship! I’ve tried to explain my feelings as kindly as possible, but it never changes anything. And is hard to think the relationship may be coming to an end because of it. Physical attraction is so vital in certain relationships. You should feel zero angst if that is something you need in a relationship.

Ink November 17, 2021

I did not like the content of the email that was sent with this blog entry. I did care for the subject line or the content. It just seems inappropriate content for what you are trying to accomplish on Body Rock.

Natalie Louise Park November 17, 2021

Don’t give up, maybe he just needs a form of professional help? Maybe some marriage counseling is needed in this case.

Josie November 17, 2021

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